


Always you

by adoringlouis



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-15
Updated: 2020-06-15
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:54:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 29,449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24734953
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/adoringlouis/pseuds/adoringlouis
Summary: After all, it had always been Dean and Cas.It had always been Dean and Cas until it hadn't.The one where Dean and Cas are married, inseparable until something tears them apart, ruining them and their marriage completely, leaving them devastated and lusting for something long gone.( It's not as bad as this short summary leads you to believe, trust me, I just suck at summaries. )
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 2
Kudos: 8





	Always you

**Author's Note:**

  * For [my best friend](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=my+best+friend).



> Hello, so, first of all, this is my second fanfiction, like, ever and the first one I've actually finished- I have to say, I'm kind of proud of myself.  
> I'm not a native speaker, so, bear with me.  
> Also, I really suck at summaries. :(
> 
> Tw// mention of suicidal thoughts at one point
> 
> I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it. :)
> 
> All the love,  
> A

It had always been Dean and Cas.  
It had been Dean and Cas when they had first met in kindergarten and the kindergarteners had always picked them as siblings, just because of the fact that they weren't to be separated. It had been Dean and Cas when they had first gone to primary school, and nobody had even dared to even once stop them from sitting next to each other. When they had gone to middle school, even their teachers called them "Dean and Cas", well knowing that you wouldn't get one of them without the other one. It had also been Dean and Cas when they had went to high school, where people had secretly questioned why the two boys never seemed to be apart. In College, their other friends had finally questioned whether the boys were just really, really close or whether there was something else going on. When they had been asked whether they were seeing each other, Dean and Cas had laughed, they had never really declared their relationship- it had just always been like that, it had always been Dean and Cas and then everyone else. After college, Dean and Cas had moved in together, now officially dating. Dean had been studying to become a doctor one day and Cas had always been interested in acting, he had been in several Broadway plays and the directors that he had worked with had always been quite impressed by his acting. Eventually, they had gotten married on a warm summer day in June. It had been the best day of their lives, Cas had cried his eyes out and even Dean had shed a tear or two, the thought of spending the rest of your life with your person just had always made them emotional. With them, there had just been Gabriel, Cas' best friend, Sam, Dean's brother, his girlfriend, Gen, Benny and his wife, Jackie, Dean's best friend and Charlie, their other best friend. Eventually, they had spent their honeymoon in Spain, most of the time, they were either laying on the beach, simply enjoying the warmth and the fact that their favourite person was with them or spending their time in bed, all cuddled up, watching the newest episode of Cas' favourite show, this is us. After their honeymoon, they had met their old primary teacher while looking for new furniture for their home, Mrs. Walton hadn't been surprised when the two smiling men had told her that they had just come back from their honeymoon.  
After all, it had always been Dean and Cas. It had always been Dean and Cas until it hadn't. 

Now, they were sitting here, in front of their therapist, their eyes hadn't even met once as both of them were too focused on the elderly woman sitting in front of them, not even daring to acknowledge the other man sitting right next to them. The clock right next to the woman's desk was ticking loudly and the silence got almost unbearable."So, Mr. Winchester," the woman started, Dean could already tell that her voice would annoy him a lot as he shifted uncomfortably in his seat, leaning back, "I would like for you to tell me why you and your husband are here." The woman in front of him looked about sixty- way too old if you asked Dean-, she was eyeing him through her black and big glasses, nodding as if she wanted to reassure him and get Dean to talk. "Cas a- Castiel and I" Dean coughed awkwardly, already running his hand through his hair, which he tended to do whenever he was really nervous or simply just uncomfortable, "we're here for you to fix our marriage." Dean could hear Cas scoff, but he didn't say anything, merely focusing on their shrink, she looked up from the notes on her desk, furrowing her brows, "Mr. Winchester," she then gesticulated towards Cas, "would you like to add something?" "I'd prefer Mr. Novak, ma'am," Dean inhaled sharply, ignoring his clenching heart, "I'd disagree with Dean. I can only speak for myself, but I'm not here so you can fix our marriage, I want us to do so, but as you probably already noticed, my ex-husband is not willing to." "We're still married, as for now, I still am your husband", Dean interjected quickly as a bitter chuckle escaped his lips. "Mr. Novak, Mr. Winchester, accusing your husband- or ex husband- will not help the two of you." Dean and Cas still weren't facing each other as their shrink continued, "Look, this is only going to work if both parties are interested in fixing their marriage. Mr. Winchester, you can't just expect me to fix your marriage on my own, that simply isn't possible, so I do need your help. Mr. Novak, you have to give Mr. Winchester the opportunity to change, accusing him won't help, in fact, it causes the complete opposite of what you originally wanted", the woman's red locks were whipping as she nodded, "can you do that?" Even though both weren't looking at each other, both men replied with a nod at the same time. "Good, good," she scrabbled something down, "Now, before we get to the origin of the problem, I want you both to tell me about your partner, about your first impressions and what you like about each other. Mr. Winchester, I would like for you to start, alright? And I want you to face Castiel, I want you to tell him." At first, Dean's eyes were flickering between the direction where Cas was sitting and their shrink, he was unsure of whether he should really do it or just simply storm out of the room because of how ridiculous this whole thing was. "You can't even look at me, hm?" Cas' voice was quiet, he sounded serious and as Dean turned to look at Cas, he noticed Cas' tired eyes for the first time. The other man looked worn out, his eyes were underlined with dark rings under them, his usually pink lips looked rather pale and Dean didn't even recognise the man whom he had fallen in love with all those years ago. Cas looked like a whole new person and Dean could feel the pity and love crippling inside of him, the need to walk over to Cas, so he could just hold him and tell him that everything was just a nightmare, that he loved him and that they would be alright. "I'm sorry" Dean whispered, almost so painfully quiet that Castiel thought he had misheard, as their eyes locked. Before beginning to talk, Dean had bounced his leg up and down over and over again, a habit which made Cas go crazy, but, after starting, he stopped. "We met in kindergarten," surprised at his own hoarse voice, he continued, "I don't remember much, given our age, but I do remember the first time that we played together. I don't remember what exactly we did, but I could never forget the feeling of warmth and home that washed over me. Of course, I was a kid and I didn't know what any of it meant. I didn't realise that I liked him until college, any way. Being with him- it was easy. Probably the easiest thing I've ever done, we just never ran out of things to say. It just always was us. I never even cared about anyone else but him. And what I like about him? I love his little smile whenever he's right about something, I love how he scrunches his nose whenever he reads the newspaper and reads something that he doesn't approve of, I love how he always cares about anyone, it doesn't matter whether he knows the person well or whether it's a stranger on the street, I love how his eyes light up whenever he talks about his plays. I love a lot of things about him, god, I've loved him ever since I can remember. God knows how much he means to me," a quiet sob interrupted Dean's trace of thoughts and a stool being pushed backwards caused him to remember where he was. Cas had leaped to his feet, shaking his head horribly as the tears were now silently running down his cheeks. "Mr. Nova-" The shrink was about to say, yet Cas interjected, "I'm sorry, I can't." Dean slowly got up, too, never once tearing his eyes apart from Cas' face, quietly whispering while gesticulating conciliatory "Cas, we can do this, okay?" "Don't- I can't do this. I just can't." With that, Cas stormed out of the door.

Dean had apologized to the lady, apparently, her name happened to be Mrs. Brock, she had simply nodded, slightly off put due to Cas' outburst and Dean had left right after that. As he stepped outside of the tall building and onto the dark streets, the cold air wrapped itself around him like a non comforting blanket and he sighed out loud, fiddling with his black jacket, trying to fish for the lighter and a pack of cigarettes. As soon as he inhaled the white smoke, he could feel the weight being lifted off his shoulders and he visibly calmed down. The whole street was silent, nothing except for the cars passing by could be heard. Even though smoking calmed him down, he couldn't stop the demanding thoughts from entering his mind, wondering where Cas was and whether he was alright. He sighed once again, finishing the cigarette, Cas probably was with April any way. Eventually, Dean drove home on his own and even though he didn't expect to see Cas at their flat, he still felt like as if someone had just tried to strangle him. Their flat was dark, not a single light was burning and as soon as Dean had turned on the light, he just went to the living room straight away and let himself fall onto the sofa. Their sofa was the first thing that they had picked and bought when they had decided that they wanted to live together, it was big, so most of their friends could fit onto it, too, and the sheets were comfortable and soft, something to just let yourself sink into. Dean and Cas had spent hours on that sofa, just cuddling and enjoying the comfortable and homeyness. As a doctor, Dean had to get every second of sleep that he was capable of receiving, the next day, he would have to work a 12 hour shift and he could already feel his body ache. He fell asleep on their sofa that day, the sleep deprivation from the last few days had finally overwhelmed him. Around two in the morning, Dean had woken up as he had heard the keys in the door, he had made out a messy looking Cas who didn't even feel the need to look over to Dean. After Cas had went to their original room, Dean had fallen asleep once again, not bothered by the fact that he still was wearing his street clothes. His alarm clock had sadly interrupted his peaceful sleep once again at five in the morning and Dean sometimes really wished he had chosen another job, a job where it wasn't required to stand up at five in the morning, but then he remembered that his job in fact was pretty beautiful, since he got to save lives every single day, but that still didn't change the fact that he hated having to get up that early. Usually, before everything had happened, Dean and Cas would have eaten breakfast together, but, eventually, now it was just Dean, sitting at their perfectly white table, drinking a cup of coffee that would preferably wake him up. Meanwhile, Dean was reading the newest newspaper, shaking his head at the stupidity of the ones that were in charge of his beloved country. A look at the clock showed Dean that he was already running late, so he drank the rest of the coffee in a hurry, almost forgetting to change his clothes. Cas was still asleep when Dean entered their dark bedroom, he was wrapped up in their blanket, but to Dean's surprise, Cas only laid on the right side of the bed, almost as if he had expected for Dean to join him. Dean just stood there for a second, examining the shadow of his e- still to be husband and he really wished he could just skip work today, forget about everything that had occurred, so he could just jump into bed right next to Cas, but he could not and he just now remembered that he was supposed to be in a hurry. After Dean had grabbed everything he needed and had changed into other clothes than the ones he had been sleeping in, he had rushed out of their flat and towards his car.At exactly six ten, Dean arrived at the hospital. The secretary, her name was Jean, greeted Dean by nodding and he just winked at the elderly lady, which she commented with a smile. Hastily, Dean rushed towards the changing room, but stopped in his tracks as a female voice cut through the air "Good morning, Doctor Winchester, looks like you're finally here." Dean grinned as soon as he recognised the voice and turned around, only to face a wide smiling redhead, "Charlie, didn't expect to see you here that early, I thought it's your day off?" "You wish, Winchester. I thought I'd scrub in on your microdisectomy this morning, eh? Haven't done one in a while." Dean licked his lips and furrowed his brows, pretending to be in deep thought, "You know what, I'd be happy to have my best friend in there, too." "I knew I liked you for a reason," Charlie giggled, eyes sparkling as she continued in a mocking tone "But, Winchester, you're already late, you should change now." "You're right," Dean looked down at his watch, "See you in the OR at eight thirty, don't be late, Bradbury." Dean then entered the changing room. The day went by faster than Dean had expected, the microdisectomy had been a success and the patient was stable, yet unfortunately, not every patient had that much luck. After an accident that had happened on one of the streets, a car had run over a five year old, Dean sadly had to declare the boy brain dead. As a Doctor, you're being trained to save lives, no matter how fatal the wound is, you still try, and you're also being prepared for the worst case scenario. You know that you can't save everyone, but you still try until the last breath, but nobody ever prepared Dean or any other doctor for the real challenge, talking to the family. Telling them that their son, their husband, their father, their best friend had passed away, seeing the realization of what's about to come as soon as they hear the words, "I'm sorry." Even though it wasn't the first time, Dean still had to swallow hard as the kid's mother broke down in front of him, screaming and crying for it to be a mistake, a misunderstanding. Dean had held her. He had spent his entire lunch break with the woman, never once letting go of her. After a while, she had stopped crying horrifyingly, she had just pressed herself closer against Dean. "Do you want to see him, Mrs. Chapler?" Dean's voice was soothing, almost a whisper. "Yes."Dean had taken her to see her son and even though he knew that it wasn't his fault, he still felt the guilt pressuring his chest as she cried onto her son's t-shirt, burying her face into the fabricate. Dean would have preferred to stay with the lady, but his pager went off and he had to tell a nurse to watch over Mrs. Chapler. There had been another boy brought to the hospital, only a year older than the first boy. But despite his injuries and the bleeding in the frontal lobe, this time, Dean was able to save the boy and stop the bleeding. This time, he had talked to the father and he had fallen into Dean's arms, crying out of relief. Even though as Dean finished his rounds and walked out of the changing room, he had saved several lives, the death of the little kid still haunted him. The hurt and immense pain in the mother's eyes hadn't left his mind once. Most of the times when people get confronted with a loss, they ask "why?", "why my son?", "why my husband?" and sometimes, Dean really wished he'd have an answer. But the truth was, he didn't know. He didn't know why that five year old had to die and the six year old got to live and he probably never would. "Dean, you alright?" Dean jumped at the deep voice. Benny, one of Dean's best friends and fellow surgeon, was catching up to him, grinning widely. Even though Benny was a guy and definitely a typical jock in high school, Dean remembered how all of the girls had been after him, he worked in pediatrics. "Yea, sure." Dean forced himself to smile as they walked through the exit together. It already was dark outside and definitely much colder than before, so Dean rested his hands in his pockets. "Look, Dean, no offence, but I can tell that something's off" Benny sounded careful, almost worried. "It's nothing, I just lost a kid today. He already was brain dead as he arrived." Benny nodded, trying to signalise that he understood, "It wasn't your fault, you did everything you could." Dean and Benny stopped in front of the parking lot where their ways would have to part. "I know." "really, don't beat yourself up over something that you couldn't have prevented. I'd love to chat a little longer, but", he gesticulated towards his car, "Jackie made me promise I'd be there for Dinner." "It's fine, greet Jackie from me, alright?" A small smile searched its way onto Dean's lips, Jackie had went to high school with them and they were really good friends, but hadn't seen each other in a while. In general, Dean hadn't seen a lot of his and Castiel's friends in a while, being a doctor kept him quite busy and eventually, he would have to tell his friends about the fact that there was a chance that Cas and him were getting a divorce. They would be disappointed, they would pity Dean, because they had never seen him without Cas, it was like he had never existed without him. "Yea, greet Cas from me, too. You two should come over for dinner some time, when the kids are out." Dean hesitated for a second before nodding once again. He watched Benny walk over to his car until he realized that he probably should get going.

Dean arrived at their flat at six thirty, not expecting to see Cas there, but instead of going out, how they had done it the last few weeks, somehow trying to prevent spending more time together than they needed, Cas was sitting in their kitchen, eating some left overs of mac and cheese. As Dean entered the room, Cas' eyes were never meeting Dean's once. A quiet suspire escaped his lips as he was about to leave the room, not bearing to spend yet another minute in a room with Cas, not being able to talk to him. "Look, Dean", Dean stopped in his tracks, Cas silently continued, still staring onto his food rather than up at his husband, "I ju-" He obstructed himself, a small silence followed until Cas finally continued, "Our shrink called, she wants to know whether we're going to continue counselling." Dean sucked in a small amount of air, scoffing while turning around to face Cas, "I don't know if I can take it" Cas almost sounded ashamed. He then finally looked up at Dean, his features were warped in a pained smile and his eyes radiated off pure exhaustion, Dean's heart clenched at the image, but then he remembered that he wasn't the one who had messed up in the first place. "If I remember it correctly, you've been the one to beg for this appointment and now you're not sure whether you can do it?" Cas flinched at Dean's bitter tone, his eyes were searching for Dean's and the image of the green eyes that he loved sparkling with pure hatred burned itself in the back of his mind. "I'm sorry, Dean," he mumbled, not bearing to see his husband's eyes which used to be so full of love whenever they laid on Castiel and breaking the eye contact by staring down. "I know you are, but being sorry sometimes isn't fucking enough." "It's not like I'm the only one who messed up." Dean jeered, rolling his eyes in an annoyed motion, "Look, Castiel, I won't discuss this with you any more, if you can't fucking go, then, you know what... stay at home, throw our marriage away and run, it's what you do best anyway."

Dean had slept on their sofa once again that night. This time, he wasn't able to fall asleep right away. Most of the time, he was staring at the dark ceiling and wondering when all of this had happened. Just a few months ago, nobody would have ever picked Dean and Cas to be one of those couples who got a divorce because of the fact that they couldn't stand being in the same room. Dean knew that he wasn't being fair, but Cas hadn't been fair either and Cas had been the one to run from their problems and search for a shelter in some other bastard's arms in the first place. Dean could feel the tears welling in his eyes as it got harder for him to breathe. Just the thought of Cas even showing someone his typical, wide smile to someone that wasn't Dean drove him mad. The next morning, he was tired. His body was aching from exhaustion and if it were up to Dean, he would spend the day- and probably the rest of his life, too- laying on their sofa, watching a predictable TV show that would never even come close to displaying what actually happened in real life. He hated how TV shows made it seem so easy, easy to be married and also easy to forgive in case the partner cheated or accidentally almost destroyed their lives, it was always so easy. In the end, everything would turn out alright anyway, no matter how hard someone had messed up before. Dean had to force himself to stand up and go to work, barely surviving the new interns who had been all over him, asking him about new procedures and whether they could scrub in the next time, especially the girls who had been flustered by everything he had said, he wondered how they would react if they knew that, instead of a beautiful wife, he had a messed up husband to come home to. At this point, he was preparing for a ventriculostomy on a middle aged man who had suffered a fatal head injury after he and a few friends had thought that trying to jump over a moving car would be a great idea. The idiocy of some of his patients surprised Dean sometimes, but, then again, as a doctor he wasn't supposed to judge their idiocy, which would be a job for the police or psych, he was supposed to make sure that whoever came into his OR made it out alive, no matter why they were in it in the first place. "Doctor Winchester, wo-" Dean got interrupted as he was sterilising his hands, he turned around to see a young guy, probably in his mid twenties, looking as if Dean were about to rip his head off if he continued talking, "Yes,..." "Green, sir." Dean nodded as a small silence followed. "Now, Doctor Green, what did you want to ask me?" The resident flinched and Dean could see the realization settle that he had come here for a reason, "I just- I wanted to ask whether I could, you know, eventually scrub in with you on your surgery." As if he were scared of Dean's answer, the guy stared at the ground, his dirty shoes seemed to be much more interesting than the neurosurgeon in front of him. "Aren't you a resident, kid?" "I am," he looked up, their eyes were meeting and Dean could see the spark of hope in the dark brown eyes, "but I'm new here and I've heard much about you and I thought... asking couldn't hurt. I just want to see, really." "Hm, yea. I guess you're allowed to scrub in, Dr. Green." "Really?" A wave of relief seemed to be washing over the younger guy and he visibly relaxed. "Yes, really." "Thank you so much, Dr. Winchester." Dean attempted a smile, "You're welcome. You have to be careful, though and definitely not with those shoes."

"Oh, my god. That was AMAZING," breathless, Dr. Green giggled as they were sitting in the changing room, his eyes sparkling as if he had just found the cure for Alzheimer or cancer. "And how you handled the bleedin-" "It's my job." Dean bit his lip nervously, being slightly uncomfortable as the resident continued to praise him. "Thank you so much, sir, for letting me participate." He just commented the guy's excitement with a simple, "hm." After a few minutes of more admiration, Dr. Green had to leave and Dean was left sitting alone in the changing room. As soon as he was alone, he sighed, leaning back against the cold wall and resting his eyes as the exhaustion settled. He was so caught up in his thoughts and happiness over the fact that he finally got a few minutes of silence that he didn't notice that someone had opened the door. He had only noticed as someone had sat down next to him. "You alright, Winchester?" Dean didn't have to open his eyes to make out that the person was a specific redhead. "Yea, bet ya, Bradbury." Even though Dean had tried to sound as convincing as possible, he had sounded too tired and he could tell that Charlie had caught his lie, "Look, you don't have to tell me if you don't want to," Dean groaned jokingly, "but you can always talk to me." "Char, I know that. It's nothing, really. The new resident and the interns have just been quite... exhausting." She chuckled, well knowing how they had been all over Dean, "The girls talked about you today, had to kick their asses, otherwise they would have still been goofing around, dreaming about your "beautiful dark green eyes that you could get lost in"" she mocked their high voices and Dean smiled flimsy. "If I were you, I'd look out for them," both of them chuckled, "I'd love to see their faces after finding out that you're married AND gay. Apropos married, I haven't heard from the dream team in a while, how's it going?" Dean coughed awkwardly, not knowing what to say, drily, he replied, "We're fine." If Charlie noticed that something was up and that his exhausting day hadn't been responsible for his dryness, she didn't say anything further, instead changing the topic. "Did you hear about the new cardiothoracic surgeon that's supposed to take Miller's space? I heard he's damn good and supposedly cute." She wiggled with her brows and got Dean to smile. "But he's not as cute as you, I bet." Dean blushed. Even though he was used to Charlie calling him cute, he still couldn't handle compliments very well. "I probably should get going." Charlie nodded in agreement, a small amount of worry could be heard in her voice as she added "Yea, you should probably get some sleep, you look exhausted." 

The next days were passing by and Dean could feel the distance between Cas and him growing larger and larger. They weren't talking, avoiding each other at all costs, until one evening, Dean was ready to leave for work, not exactly on the edge to work a whole night shift, but he had promised to fill in for a colleague. In that moment, he was kneeling in their hallway, fiddling with the zipper of his bag, which seemed to be broken. Jeering, he gave up, considering to simply leave the bag at home. "Dean," he looked up from his bag, examining Castiel who looked like he was about to declare that Dean's dog had died. Curiously, as to why he was talking after days of ignoring each other, he asked, "Yea?" "I wan- I tho-" Cast nervously bit his lips, his eyes flickering constantly as if he were unsure of whether to continue. "What is it?" Their eyes met and Dean wasn't sure whether Cas' eyes were just glassy or whether his husband was about to break out in tears. "Are you okay?" Dean's gaze softened. "Yea, I-", his voice broke, "You know- Just forget about it." "Wait." Dean got up, grasping Castiel, who was just about to disappear in their bedroom, carefully. Cas tensed at the touch, he was staring at Dean's hand wrapped around his arm, biting his lips once again as if he were containing himself. Dean then stared down at his hand, too, immediately letting go of Cas as if his touch had burned him, "Please" Castiel's eyes widened as his gaze met Dean's, his whisper was quiet and a sense of vulnerability came along with it. His gaze oscillated as Cas was searching for an answer, hesitating whether to reply with the truth. "Mrs. Brock called, she wants us to answer now, otherwise she's going to give our space to another couple. I said we'd be there tomorrow evening." Cas visibly relaxed and this time, it was Dean who tensed, "You said?" Dean pressed his lips together to a flat line as he narrowed his eyes. "I did." Cas nervously replied as he noticed the shift in Dean's behaviour. "I have to go." Dean moved hastily, carelessly grabbing his bag and leaving Castiel standing in the doorway, staring at Dean in awe, guilt displayed on his face.Despite the fact that Dean was hurt and annoyed at the fact that Castiel had decided without even asking Dean, especially since it was the day after his night shift, he immediately relaxed as he entered the hospital. As soon as the smell of sanitizer encased him, he let out a deep breath. "Good evening, Dr." Jean greeted him, shooting a small smile in his direction. The whole evening had been quite boring, there were no surgeries scheduled and the ER didn't need a neuro-consult, either. He had talked to Benny a few times, but most of his time, he spent either checking on patients' post ops or having to do paper work, filling in charts and writing to the board. He hadn't been consulted until his pager went off around eleven thirty, apparently, there had been yet another car accident. As he hastily made his way towards the ER, Benny joined him in the run, "I heard it's been a twelve year old." They were rushing through the different floors until they entered the small hall. There were several nurses running around, different medications and charts in their hands. Dean rushed towards the bed right next to the entrance where a tall girl was laying, not only was her lower abdomen covered in blood, but there was a big, gaping wound on her forehead. The girl was whimpering as she froze in pain, visibly scared. Her body was tense and her gaze oscillated from the nurses around her to wound on her abdomen. Another doctor filled them in on the case, informing them about her critical state and the results of the MRI and CT. As Dean got closer, he could see that her whole body was trembling and as he spoke up, her scared eyes met his, "Heyy, I'm Dean and this", he gesticulated towards Benny, "is my friend, Benny. We're doctors and we're going to do something against your pain, alright?" Dean smiled softly as the girl nodded, still looking disturbed. "As my friend said, I'm Benny. What's your name?" Benny walked over to the other side of the bed, speaking softly while examining the wound. "Lydia." The girl whispered, almost impossible for Dean to hear. "Okay, Lydia," he took a look at her head wound, "I need you to tell me what happened and where it hurts, okay? Can you do that for me?" Their eyes locked and Lydia nodded. "I was go-" she let out a pained groan. "Push one of Epi", Dean gesticulated towards one of the nurses who then followed his lead. "You were going?" Benny examined the wound, frowning and Dean knew that the wound was difficult to attend. "home, car came outa nowhere. My chest hurts", the girl whimpered. After asking Lydia why she happened to be outside at such an hour and telling a nurse to keep her awake by talking to her and giving her something against her chest pain, Benny pulled Dean aside, "I think I might have to operate right away, the MRI is pretty clear and it seems as if she's bleeding internally and I have to stop it." "While we're at it, there's the possibility that her frontal lobe is bleedin-" "I've been paged." A deep voice cut through the air. Both, Benny and Dean, turned around to look at the new person who had just arrived. In front of them was a tall, determinant looking guy, his black hair was all styled and his eyes were a piercing shape of green. As the guy's and Dean's gaze met, Benny whispered a soft, "damn." "Look, I've been paged because of a patient with Coronary artery disease and I don't have the time to wait all day until you people tell me more." The guy sighed, visibly annoyed. Dean froze, not being used to the rude tone. One of the nurses led the guy to Lydia and Benny inhaled sharply, "So, I guess that's the new cardio guy, he seems... nice." "Hm." Both of them made their way back to Lydia, whose face was contorted in pain, "It hurts", she whined once again. "Shh, it's going to be okay. I'm going to take care of you, alright?" Despite the fact that Dean had just witnessed the guy being probably one of the rudest attendings he had ever met, he now spoke softly and soothingly. "You, with the pretty green eyes," the guy gesticulated towards Dean, "what happened to our princess here?" "She got into a car accident, as you can see, we have to take her up for surgery." "Would you excuse us for a second?" The guy smiled widely at Lydia and she blushed. He then pulled Dean aside, "Look, pretty face, if you're going to take her up for your surgery first, she's going to suffer a heart attack, so I would prefer taking her up to do a CABG first." Dean froze at the nickname, searching for the right answer, but his knees felt uncomfortably weak and he didn't feel like he was able to form a right sentence. "That's what I thought. You can have her after I'm done." The guy turned around and left Dean frozen. "Prep OR 1." After the cardio guy had left the OR with the young girl, Dean swallowed hard. He couldn't remember the last time he had felt that thrown off. "The guy surely is... dominant," Benny chuckled, patting Dean on the shoulder "I-" a nurse appeared next to them, interjecting, "Dr. Winchester, you're needed in 201." "Thanks." As Dean left the ER, he jokingly waved at Benny. 

Luckily, the young girl was alive. After surgery, she had been stable, although Dean hadn't been able to perform a surgery on her, since he would have risked injuring her frontal lobe even more and she probably now had to deal with struggles, such as judging whether an action would lead to a positive or negative outcome. Just as Dean was about to leave, someone caught up to him as he was staring at his phone. Expecting it to be Benny, he had grinned, "How're you doing?" "Oh, I'm fine, what about you, amado?" A deep voice replied and Dean slightly jumped, finally looking to his right, only to find the cardio guy smirking at him, "Oh," he then coughed awkwardly, "I thought you were someone else." "Are you disappointed that it's me?" The guy's green eyes were sparkling in a provocative way that made Dean unsettled. "I'm just kidding. Look,..." "Winchester. Dean Winchester." "Look, Dean, am I allowed to say Dean?" He didn't know why, but Dean nodded. "I just wanted to apologize for today, I didn't mean to be so... harsh." Dean's jaw slacked a little and it took him a second to reply, surprised at the fact that the guy seemed to care enough to come up to him. "It's fine, you were right, any way. I'm just glad she's doing alright." He nodded, continuing to smile at Dean who glanced at the sky. The sun was about to rise and the sky was coloured in a dark red. "I am, too. I'm James, by the way. James Garcia." James ran his hands through his still perfectly laying hair and Dean thought to himself what the guy did, since Dean's hair seemed to be messed up as soon as he started walking. "Nice to meet you, James." Dean forced himself to smile, the guy in front of him didn't need to know that Dean really wasn't that interested in a conversation with anyone at the moment. "You, too, Dean. See ya", he cheekily replied, then turning right and walking towards his car. Dean shook his head, trying to get himself to think clearly, but as he walked over to his own car, the piercing green eyes had already burned themselves into Dean's brain. 

The second session definitely was a lot better than the first one. At least, nobody walked out during the first five minutes. Mr Brock was sitting in front of them, expecting either one of them to talk, but both, Dean and Cas, were only staring at the wooden floor. The wood looked old, a dark brown, but Dean liked the colour a lot, it reminded him of-, "Mr. Novak, I would like for you to tell me why you're here- I want you to explain your issue to your partner while you're calm and honest." "Okay," Dean could hear Cas shift in his seat and the other man continued quietly, "Dean and I- we have issues." Dean scoffed, issues being the underestimation of the century. "Issues?" Mrs. Brock asked, "Start at the beginning, please. It's important for the both of you to understand every aspect and, please, do not interrupt each other." Sternly, she eyed both of them. "Of course, just like any other couple, we fought. Every once in a while, we fought about whether to go out or just stay at home on a Saturday night or who gets to decide where we would spend our next holidays. But those fights were small, not even real fights. We always made up afterwards, always. I remember it being a Friday night," he swallowed hard, "I was out with a few friends, mostly just people from work. We talked about our next play, how great the scenery and scrip were. I remember that night clearly, as if it were burned into my memory, destined to hunt me at every given moment. I was talking to one of my best friends, Gabriel. I had known him for years, he had been the one to introduce me to acting in the first place. He had shown me everything- taught me everything. We were sitting in a bar, it was a busy night and there were many people, celebrating their graduation or wedding or simply that they were alive. It was loud, a poppy song was playing and you could barely hear the person next to you. I excused myself to go to the restroom, I did", Cas' voice was about to break, but Mrs. Brock nodded reassuringly, "When I first heard the noises, I thought it was the song. I felt so safe that day, as if I were in a bubble that yet had been popped as soon as I heard the screaming and came to the realization that those shots weren't in a song. They were gunshots. I remember freezing, not knowing what to do. The screams were horrifying. I've never heard anything worse in my entire life, every time you could hear the gun pop, I jumped, still not being able to walk. I could hear people crying, whining for the shooter to stop, but he shot over and over again, until the bar was deadly silent. It was then that I finally reacted. The bathroom was rather small, there were just two cabins and a large mirror on the wall. I decided that it'd be best just to hide there. Turns out, it was the right decision. As I was sitting there, hands sweaty and trying not to breathe too loudly, hearing the shots coming closer, I thought I was going to die. I really did. I was crying horribly, because I thought of the fact that my last words to my husband were just "see you". Nothing special, nothing loving, just a simple see you. After all, I think it was kind of ridiculous that that was the only thing I seemed to be concerned about, not the fact that I was going to die, but the fact that my last words to Dean were "see you"." As Cas continued to talk, Dean had forced the tears to stay back, but he could feel them welling in his eyes, wanting to be let loose. "I think he was about to come into the bathroom. As I heard the gunshots coming closer and closer, I just closed my eyes and prayed. I'm not religious, I've never been, but I prayed to God that he wouldn't come through that door. He never did. A loud gunshot had been my sign for freedom. In seconds, there were police men everywhere, screaming for the victims to raise their hands and get out. That's the part where my memory gets kind of messy," a sad chuckle escaped Castiel's lips,"I don't remember how I got out. I just remember seeing all of the police and paramedics. After a while, a few of my friends came up to me. It took me a few seconds to recognise them, my vision seemed to be blurry and it felt so surreal that I thought to myself whether it was just a horrible nightmare. It was then that they talked to me about Gabriel. They told me that the kid had shot him, right in the chest and that there had been blood everywhere. The paramedics brought Gabriel out on a stretcher. He was pale, paler than I had ever seen him before and his whole body was covered in blood and sweat. Even though I wasn't a family member, the paramedics let me drive with him. I held his hand the whole time and I just promised him that he'd make it, that he'd get to the hospital and that Dean and the other doctors would help him. I promised, over and over again until I believed it myself. Most of the time, he was unconscious. I talked to the paramedic who had presumed I suffered from a shock, since my face was "wrenched in horror", but I didn't care, I just prayed for Gabriel to be okay. It felt like the car ride took hours and with every minute that passed, I could feel him being closer to the verge of death", his voice was deadly silent as he continued, "As we arrived at the hospital, the whole Emergency room was filled with victims, one more dangerously injured than the other. Gabriel woke up just as we were about to enter the hospital, he talked about knowing that he was going to die and it was then that I noticed that I had been crying the whole time. He passed out right after that. There were nurses expecting us, trying to take care of Gabriel and I just remember promising that I'd find him a doctor. That was the last time I had seen him alive. Through the masses of victims, I couldn't make out a doctor, everything was just so messy and the air was filled with screams and the smell of blood. I remember panicking, almost breaking down as my vision got blurry and everything felt hot. That was when I made out Dea- you. I just felt so relieved, for a second forgetting about the horrific incident that had taken place a few minutes before. I remember running towards you, I remember crying so hard that you weren't even able to understand what I was trying to say. You tried to calm me down, but the only thing I did was sob, it was as if every feeling I had tried to suppress was crushing down on me. I remember you hugging me, I remember you trying to help me, but I also remember," Cas' eyes hardened and his voice that was just about to break a few seconds before, was soaking with coldness, "that you said you had no time, that you couldn't help him. He died that night, for God's sake. He died and you weren't there, you didn't even try to help him. You left him to fucking die, you didn't even really look at him, even though I fucking begged you. I've never felt so damn pathetic. I thought I could trust you, I did. You were my person, Dean. I'd have given my life for you in a heartbeat, but you-" Dean could feel Cas' attitude shifting and Cas' stare almost burned itself in the back of his skull," I knew you were busy, I could see that, but I just wanted you to look at him once- just once. But you, you didn't and, god, I hate you for that. He died because of you, Dean, Because of you." Silence. Neither dared to say yet another word and Dean could feel the guilt settling on his shoulders. "Thank you, Mr. Novak, for sharing your experience and I am so sorry for your loss. I'm sure that this is a lot to handle, so I would recommend that we talk about it the next time. Mr. Winchester, I want you to think about what Castiel has said and, for the next time, I want you to prepare yourself to share your experience."

The car ride home was silent. Unfortunately, instead of Cas taking the bus like all of the times before, they had thought that riding together would be a good idea, given the fact that they shared a home and a destination, too. Every now and then, Dean glanced at Cas who was staring out of the window, looking a little bit lost. It took Dean a while to convince himself, but he then started talking quietly, not bearing the silence any longer, "You never told me," he stopped for a second before he continued, "about the last moments, I mean." Dean turned to look at Castiel, his voice softening. "I can't imagine what it must have been like, presuming that you were going to die any minute." He could feel his throat closing and it got harder to talk. "I don't hate you, you know", Cas finally said, still staring out of the window and sounding strange, as if he weren't really in the car with him. "I tried to, I did. I wanted to hate you for not saving him, I wanted to hate you for not being there when I needed you the most, I really wanted to, but I couldn't. After you screamed at me to shut up and stop blaming you that same night, I stayed at a friend's house. I knew she had a crush on me ever since I met her and I know that you know that, too, but that's what I needed- someone who cared. She was there," Dean could tell in which direction this was going and he didn't even notice that he had started gripping the steering wheel so hard that his knuckles were as white as a sheet. "She kissed me," Dean inhaled sharply, gnashing his teeth as he tried to focus on the street, hurt, even though he knew or had presumed that Cas had cheated on him, "I thought, maybe, kissing her would fill the hole inside of my chest that has been gaping there ever since I got the call from the hospital, but it didn't. Kissing her made me miss you. It made me miss your warm and soft lips- hers were cold and dry. She was small and fragile, so different from you. I miss you. I miss you right now, even though we're sitting right next to each other. It feels like you're so far away from me, it feels like I don't even know you. I love you, god, I love you so much and I have loved you ever since I can remember, ever since I knew what love was and even before then, but it hurts. It physically hurts me to love you. Whenever I look at you, it's as if someone ripped my heart right out of my chest and stomped right onto it, over and over again, it's like I can't breathe, like I'm drowning in sorrow, incapable of every coming up for fresh air. I know, I messed up by letting her kiss me, I know I did and I'm sorry for that. I am. Deeply, incredibly sorry. But I can't do it any more, I won't. I decided to move out," Move out. The words resonated through Dean's mind over and over again, but he still wasn't able to wrap his head around the idea of Cas leaving. For the first time, Cas let out a quiet sob. Dean had never lived on his own. As a child, he had lived with his parents until college and after college, he had directly moved in with Cas. He had never been on his own. In that moment, it was all too much to handle. As Dean parked his car in front of their house, he didn't move, only grabbed the steering wheel harder. Cas had cheated on him. Cas wanted to move out. Cas was going to leave him. Even though he was supposed to be mad, screaming thoughtlessly at his husband and telling him to go to hell, he couldn't. He just sat in the car and waited for the tears to stop flowing. "Dean?", Cas was crying, but tried to hold it together, "Are you alright?" Alright? I'm not fucking alright. He wanted to scream, but he just kept it all inside. "I'm sorry." Deadly quiet, Dean replied, not once daring to meet Castiel's gaze, "You're sorry?" "I am." A sad chuckle escaped Dean's from the tears wetted lips, "I want you to leave today." "Today?" He sounded surprised, a little hurt even, even though he was the one that wanted to leave in the first place. "I can't bear to see you." Castiel's eyes widened with hurt and fear, he almost looked like a hurt puppy, "Dean-" "WHAT DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND ABOUT I WANT YOU TO LEAVE?" Castiel jumped at his loud voice and Dean immediately felt sorry. "Fuck, Cas." thoughtlessly, Dean ran his hands through his hair. "I don't have a place to stay over night, the rent starts tomorrow," Cas quietly stated, trying to control the sobs. "Okay", Dean whispered, biting his lip and breathing in deeply. They stared at each other for a few minutes. Their eyes were red from crying and both just looked incredibly tired. "I'm sorr-" Dean didn't know why it happened, what had gotten into him and he didn't really care, he felt like he didn't have any control over his body, as if someone else had just leaned in and silenced Castiel with a passionate kiss. Their mouths were crashing together as they were moving in sync, they were so used to the movements and Dean's hands automatically wandered behind Cas' neck and Cas' were naturally brushing against Dean's chest. The well known wave of love and warmth washed over Dean and he had missed the feeling so badly, he could have started crying again right then and there. For a second, he just wanted to forget about everything, so willingly to lose himself in the kiss that he pushed the thoughts about the girl Cas had kissed and his words from during the session to the back of his mind, burying it under the love he felt for him. He just wanted to hold Cas, shield him from everything evil that walked the earth and he felt as if he were seven again, scaring off anyone that made fun of Cas' nerdy glasses. He was ready to take it all in, drown in the smell of home and sea that he had always adored. He was so caught up in his thoughts that he didn't notice that Cas had backed away, breathing heavily. "What are you doing?" He panted, his eyes were glassy, yet sparkly as he lusted for more. "What does it look like?", Dean muttered under his breath, pulling Cas in by the back of his collar, "I'm kissing my husband." Their mouths collided once again and Dean's body was on fire as Cas climbed over, now resting on Dean's lap. A quiet moaned escaped Dean's lips as he bowed his head. Cas' lips were now searching their way up from Dean's neck where they had sucked in and formed a Hickey that Dean would have to cover the next morning. As if Dean were drunk, drunk and addicted to the feeling of Cas' lips against his own, he kissed him over and over again, simply because he could and Cas didn't stop him. Dean didn't know how long they had just made out in their car, but it got uncomfortable after a while and Cas suggested to take things up to their flat. They were giggling just like teenage girls as they entered their flat, glad that nobody had seen them in the shape they were in. Cas had miserably failed to open the door, his hands were too shaky as he was too excited and relieved that, for once, they weren't fighting. As soon as he had managed to open the door and enter their hallway, Dean pushed him against the wall, quickly catching up to Cas and crashing their mouths together again. Their bodies were so close that not even a single piece of paper could have fit between them, but neither of them minded the closeness. Their tongues were fighting once again and even though Cas pretended to be desperately fighting, they both knew that Dean would win the fight any day. Dean now was forming Hickeys on Cas' neck, enjoying the view of his helpless husband, hair all messy and eyes sparkling, his cheeks were flushed and his lips were swollen, looking like someone had just kissed them a thousand times. Dean enjoyed it, seeing Cas all vulnerable and loving for Dean. Every time Dean kissed Cas' skin, he whispered yet another "I love you." Until he had kissed his way all the way up to Cas' mouth, "I love you, Cas." Before leaning in to connect their lips, Cas whispered, "I love you, too, Dean. It's always been you." Giggling, for once shutting all of his thoughts considering what a bad idea it was to sleep with Cas after he had told him that he would move out out, he took Cas' hand and led him towards their bedroom, never once letting go.Cas had fallen asleep in Dean's arms that night. Dean had held him tight as if Cas' body were the only thing keeping him from falling apart. Both of them were aware of the fact that they would probably regret what they had done and would go back to fighting, but Dean wanted to enjoy and appreciate every minute, every second that reminded him of the past, where they were so carefree. If he were being honest, he would give a lot for things to be like a few months ago. 

The next morning, Dean was long gone as Cas woke up. Before leaving, Dean had spent a long time just admiring Cas. He had looked so beautiful and peaceful, as if nothing bothered him and as if his life wasn't just falling apart. Dean didn't really know why he had given in the night before, he was supposed to be mad at Cas. Mad for cheating, mad for blaming Dean for his friend's death, even though Dean couldn't have saved Gabriel if he had wanted to. Before the counselling, they had never really talked about the day Gabriel had died, he had been so caught up that day and the days before that he hadn't been able to comprehend the extent of the shooting in any way. Cas had screamed at him that night, screamed and cried. He hadn't let Dean touch him, he had just gesticulated furiously, screaming at him to stay away, even calling him a murderer once or twice. It had torn Dean apart to see Cas like that, so broken that he rather looked like a walking corpse than his husband. He had tried to calm him down, he had even apologized, but Cas hadn't let him. He had been screaming and crying for hours. Hours until Dean broke. He hadn't meant to scream or for it to hurt Castiel, but he hadn't been able to bear the sobs and accusations any more. He had screamed for Cas to shut up, that it wasn't his fault and that he should get a hold of himself. He had never once experienced such a deadly silence like the one after his outburst. Cas had stared at him, eyes red underlined and dangerously dark, yet twisted in disgust as if he were looking at something repellent. Instead of screaming at Dean like he had done it the hours before, he had grabbed his phone, a coat and he had left. Dean had tried to stop him, apologizing for screaming, worried that Cas would get in an accident, since he hadn't exactly been in his best state. Cas had pushed him away, not once looking back. The day at work was suspiciously quiet, Dean had to perform a Cervical spine surgery, which had been a full success. Every time Dean stood inside of his OR, he remembered why he had always wanted to become a doctor- the sweet relief whenever you made someone's life better and the pure concentration during the whole procedure. Dean forgot everything else whenever he opened someone up, nothing but the patient mattered any more. Right now, Dean was sitting in the cafeteria with Benny, thinking about whether the seemingly disgusting food, which would please his hunger, was worth the stomach ache that would most likely follow right after. Just as they were about to decide, someone else came up to them, grinning cheekily, "Dean, it's nice to see you. Looking good" Dean looked up, only to find the remarkably piercing green eyes examining him carefully while smirking. "James", Dean replied dryly, uncomfortably breaking the eye contact since he happened to blush a little at James' comment. "You don't mind, do you?" James gesticulated towards one of the free stools at their table, though he was not waiting for their consent and already sat down as Benny nodded in agreement, a little off put by the haphazard appearance. Benny's eyes were flickering from Dean to James, trying to figure out since when the two had become friends and why Dean had blushed at James' inappropriate comment. "How did your surgery go? I saw that you did a Cervical spine surgery today." James genuinely seemed to be interested in what Dean had to say, even leaning forward a bit. "It's fine, the patient is stable and shouldn't complain about any pain any more", Dean replied, shifting in his seat, making himself smaller under James' stare. "That's nice," his eyes were sparkling with interest and something else that Dean couldn't pinpoint yet, "I wanted to ask whether you would like to scrub in on my next surgery, the patient suffers from CAD and I thought it'd be quite interesting." Before Dean could reply, a heavily breathing Charlie came up to them, almost running. Her cheeks were flushed and her hair was as messy as if she had just run a marathon. "Are you okay?" Dean questioned, a little confused as he tilted his head to the right, "Is there a hell hound or something after you?" James chuckled. "N-no, you idiot," Charlie panted, now grabbing one of the stools to sit down, looking as if she were about to faint, "it's the interns, they've been following me everywhere and they're so god damn annoying. I swear, you can't get a minute of peace, they're like little, stupid monsters." "They're not that bad," Dean let out a low laugh. "That's because they adore you- you're handsome and funny. I am... me." "If it helps, I think you're handsome, too." James wiggled with his brows, getting Charlie to let out a nervous chuckle. "So, what does the kitchen of hell have in store for us today?" Charlie asked, pointing towards the queue at the counter where a few kitchen staff members were handing out the food. "You know, since it's Pizza, you'd think that nothing could go wrong, right? I've literally seen a guy spitting his piece back into the bin, that thing doesn't look like Pizza at all." Benny answered, visibly disgusted. "I think I'm going to pass," Dean then said, leisurely standing up, "I still have some post ops to do and I'd rather have them finished sooner or later." "I think I'm going to leave, too." James added, grinning suspiciously wide. Benny looked surprised once again, but before he could say something, Dean and James left. Dean walked in front of James, not paying him any attention, simply focusing on memorizing the chart of his patient. As he left the cafeteria, James caught up to him, facing him while walking. James' voice was a low whisper and Dean could feel his body tense, "You know, I kinda agree with the interns, guapo," Dean turned right, now finding himself and James in an empty hallway, "you're pretty handsome", his eyes were wandering up and down, "I bet you're funny, too." "I'm married." He stated hoarsely, turning so he wasn't looking at James, rather at the emergency exit. "Married?" James was interested, "Really? You don't seem to happy about that, do you?" "I love him." "Him? I mean I suspected that you were gay, given your reacting to me, but it's good to know for sure." "We've been together for a long time, so I'd appreciate you not flirting with me all of the time." Dean bit his lip as James chuckled, "jover, I won't do it again, I promise." For a few seconds, they were silent. "How is he? Your husband, I mean." James' gaze softened. "It's not easy at the moment, but he's the best person I know. He's the love of my life, he has always been. He's caring, he's nice, he's kind, he's funny- everything anyone could ever want, really." Dean smiled, but James could tell that there was more going on. "I respect that, I do. I hope you're going to solve your problems with him- you shouldn't let go of something so precious." "I know." Dean replied, in comparison to before, he now sounded cold, knowing that if he were letting himself feel, he would probably have a breakdown in front of his new colleague. "You should go and check on your post ops." James pat Dean on the back. "I should."

It had been a relatively good day. Relatively, since the thought of going back home, not knowing whether an empty flat or a Cas who was ready to talk would be waiting for him, was hovering over his head like a dark cloud, never once leaving his mind. Just as Dean was about to check on another patient, Benny appeared at the end of the hospital floor, hastily making his way forward with big steps, his eyes never leaving Dean's. As he got closer, worry was gleaming in the older man's eyes and he noticed Benny fidgeting, "Dean." "Benny." Dean replied, waiting for his colleague to catch up to him. Benny looked rather serious, slightly worrying Dean as his mind liked to paint horrific images of accidents that could happen to his friends and family whenever an opportunity occurred. "I've got got a patient to check up on, what's wrong, man? You look like your dog has just died." For a second, Benny looked irritated, furrowing his brows, just then catching himself, "My- Jess just got submitted, she- she broke down at work and they need you, I-" And in that exact second, Dean's pager went off. "I'll take care of this. Alright, bud," Dean's voice was soothing, he slightly touched his friend's shoulder, shooting him a reassuring smile, "Trust me." With that, Dean made his way towards the ER, where Benny's sister was laying on a white hospital bed, wrapping her arms around her body as she groaned in pain. Dean inhaled sharply at the image in front of him as he had known Benny's younger sister for years, they had played football together, one time breaking their neighbour's window, which Mr. Hampton hadn't liked that much. Her long, brown hair was falling in her face, which was covered in sweat and her loud, pained groans filled the room. "Dean." She whispered as she recognised the doctor who was coming closer. "Heyy, Jess." Gently, he approached her side, examining the chart that one of the nurses handed over to him. "What happened, love?" "I don't know, I-" another whimper escaped her lips, "I was at work and my head just hurt so badly. It feels like someone is crushing my skull, make it stop, please." Dean's heart clenched and it took him a second to focus, he shouldn't let his emotions take over, he had to stay calm, treat her as if she were just a normal patient. "Alright, Jess. I will. I will make it stop, I promise." Calmly, he read through her chart again as his eyes clung to the three words, "high blood pressure." "Okay, Jess. I need you to answer this, alright?" She looked up at him, eyes widened in pain, yet she nodded cautiously. "When the pain first started, did you feel dizzy?" She nodded ailing as her eyes were fluttering shut for a second. "Was your heart beating faster than usual?" He continued to ask sedately, gesticulating towards one of the nurses, mouthing a quiet "Book OR 1, please." "Yes." Jess whispered. "Okay, love. I know what's been causing this much pain, alright? I'm going to have to operate-" A loud noise cut through the air and Dean's eyes widened as the heart rate monitor right next to Jess' bed displayed a flat line. "Code blue," he yelled out, rushing to her side again, rapidly opening up her blouse as he rested his hands in between her breast. "Don't you dare", he whispered, starting the chest compressions, eyes never leaving the monitor. A nurse hastily appeared at Jess' side, paddles in her right hand, "charge to three hundred", Dean barked out, grabbing the paddles soon after. "Come on, Jess." "Clear." The loud noise of Jess' body banging down onto the bed was disturbing and Dean could feel his breath hitch, panicking as he told the nurse to charge again. He couldn't lose another one. He just couldn't. "Clear." He called out. Suddenly, the horrific, loud noise stopped and a regular heartbeat could be heard. Feeling the weight being lifted off his chest, he let out a deep, relieved breath that he hadn't noticed he had been holding. "Alright, everyone, let's go." 

Fortuitously, Dean was able to treat the ruptured aneurysm during surgery, without having to deal with too many complications. As of right now, he was sitting in the changing room, back pressed against the cold wall as he rested his eyes, breathing in and out slowly while the waves of relief washed over him. He didn't know what he would have done in case something had happened to Jess, he couldn't handle losing her and he definitely couldn't handle losing Benny just like he had lost Cas. For a while, he just sat there, banning every negative thought from entering his mind, banning any thought in general, as he just wanted to appreciate the little-known feeling of alleviation. Some time after that, he decided that it'd be best for him to leave and go home, if he could, sleep a little, but before doing so, he went to check up on Jess. She was asleep as he entered the room, wrapped up in a blanket. Her skin still was pale, dark circles were emerging under her eyes and her lips were chapped and faded. Benny was sitting next to her bed, resting his head on it as he firmly held his sister's hand. Dean presumed Benny to be asleep, but the older guy's glare shot up as soon as Dean entered the white room. "Dean," he murmured. "I just wanted to check up on her," he quietly stated while nodding towards Jess. His eyes settled on Benny, whose skin was pale, looking as if he were about to faint any second and his usually sparkling eyes were overshadowed by exhaustion as he ran his hands through his hair. Cautiously, Benny let go of Jess' hand, slowly getting up and walking over to Dean. Seconds later, Dean was pulled into a warm, comforting embrace and he visibly relaxed as he could feel the tension leaving his body. "Thank you", Benny whispered, firmly stroking Dean's back. Dean swallowed hard, feeling the emotions crippling inside of him, demanding to be set free, but he couldn't, because if he had let himself feel, feel the love Benny provided, it would have brought him back to the one night his life had fallen apart. Dean coughed awkwardly, overwhelmed by the burning desire of talking, telling Benny about everything that had happened, but he backed off instead, a guilty look displayed on his face. "Anything wrong?", Benny narrowed his eyes, sensing that there was something off about his friend. "No, I'm alright," he lied "I'm just glad Jess is okay, it was a ruptured aneurysm, yet, luckily, there weren't any complications during surgery, she's lucky." A small smile searched its way onto Dean's lips as his eyes were wandering from Benny to Jess. "I love you, Dean. You know that, right?" Their eyes met and Benny's face lit up. "I love you, too." Dean replied silently, suddenly thinking that the floor was much more interesting than his best friend. He felt like a liar, guilty, even though he was supposed to be happy, happy because he saved someone's life. But he wasn't and all he could think about was the look on Cas' face when he told him that Dean was responsible for Gabriel's death. "I'll stop by tomorrow, check up on her again." "Thank you, Dean. Really."  
After that, Dean left the room without another word. 

He had gotten home late that day, he had spent about thirty minutes stuck in traffic, trying not to scream at the stupidity of the drivers in front of him, which, in the end, he had miserably failed at. It was almost silent as he entered the flat. The lights were turned on, implying that someone was there and Dean nervously bit his lip as he remembered the last night, not knowing what to expect from Cas. After taking off his shoes and jacket, he eventually noticed quiet whispers coming from their bedroom. As he got closer, he could make out Cas' voice and another woman's voice, it was light and high pitched and Dean gnashed his teeth as the jealousy crippling inside of him took over. This was their bedroom. Still. A woman had no business being in there. "Oh, Cassie", the woman giggled and Dean could only imagine her twirling her long, blonde hair, blinking to show off her extremely long and extremely fake lashes, smiling to intrigue him. He tossed open the door. The first thing his eyes clung to was a black suitcase, standing right in front of their bad as Cas was kneeling next to it, closing it up. A tall, red haired woman stood next to Cas, resting her hand on his back, petting it securely. Dean bit his lip once again, containing himself from conterminously staring at the woman's hand and eventually slapping it away. She wasn't supposed to touch him. Dean didn't recognise the woman at first, he had never seen her before, yet realization settled after a few seconds that this probably was the girl whom Cas had cheated with. "Dean", his eyes widened as they met with his husband's. Cas' voice was raspy and deep and it made Dean want to kiss him so badly that, for a split second, he forgot about the woman in the room. "Oh, you're Dean?" The woman batted her fake lashes at him, examining him with wide eyes. "Yes, I am. Who are you?" he spat out, not giving the woman the pleasure of looking at her, much rather looking at his still kneeling husband. "Look, Dean" Cas started, but was interrupted by the woman, "I'm April. I'm here to help Cas move out." Flabbergasted, Dean stared at Cas and then at April, "Okay, April. Great that you want to help Cas, but nobody asked." "Actually, I did." Cas' eyes never left the floor as his features were adorned in guilt. "Look, Dean. I get that this is a lot for you to take in, but Cas is going to leave now, alright? Don't try to stop him or anything, because I sure won't let that happen." Then, April grabbed the suitcase with the one and Cas with the other hand, leading both towards the exit of their flat. Dean just stared at them, letting it happen as everything felt so surreal, he wasn't even sure whether it was actually happening. Dean's gaze met Cas' one more time and the younger one mouthed a quiet, "I'm sorry." After that, he was alone. For the first time in his life, Dean was all alone.

Minutes passed by. Minutes that turned into days. Days that turned into a week or two. Dean had gotten worse every day, he only left his house to go to work, and, after work, he mostly just sat on the floor, staring at their living room wall where their pictures used to be. Cas had only left one picture for Dean to look at, it was their first day of college and the night after they had officially become a couple. Dean was smiling widely, having his left arm wrapped around Cas who was pressing a soft kiss onto Dean's cheek, grinning as his dimples were showing, Dean was holding a beer cup in his right hand and his shirt read "Columbia", which was the College they went to, it was Dean's favourite shirt at that time, but it originally was Cas'. For hours, he just sat there, as if staring at the picture were capable of bringing him back to that specific moment. He sometimes closed his eyes, pretending that they were alright, pretending to gain back the purity of their love that they had lost along the roads of their marriage, but he wasn't brought back to a different time and nothing changed. He was still there, still alone. He felt empty, empty as if Cas had pulled every last bit of strength out of him by leaving. It was foolish of him to think that it wouldn't happen, that Cas wouldn't move out and find someone else, but nevertheless, he had thought that they were different, sheltered in a fortress that no one ever dared to attack, nor even to doubt. He was wrong. He hated how much power Cas had over him, how, even though he had left a week and a half ago, the blue eyed man never once left Dean's mind, leaving him reckless, devastated and lusting for a love whose fire was long blown out. A loud noise interrupted Dean's pitiful thoughts and he slenderly jumped, leaping to his feet as his eyes clung to his phone. The caller ID read "Benny", yet, for a split second, Dean fought internally. After Cas had left, he had been distant, he hadn't talked to Benny, nor to Charlie. Even though both of them had tried at first, noticing Dean's odd behaviour, calling him out, offering him support, too, eventually, Dean had just pushed them away, appeasing them by blaming the exhaustion that came along with their work for his behaviour. "Benny," Dean's voice was raspy as he had grabbed his phone, accepting the call. "Dean, man." He could hear the other one releasing a deep breath of relief, "you okay?" "Sure, I'm fine", he swallowed, "What's wrong?" Benny let out a low laugh, "There's nothing wrong, Dean. I was just calling, you know- Jess wants to thank you, she's throwing some kind of "party", well, not really a party, but a gathering. It's this Friday, actually, at my place. Are you free? I mean, I know you've been kind of distant lately, but this could be nice, you know? We're not that many people, anyway, plus you know everyone from back then-", Benny rambled, so hung up on the thought of convincing Dean to come, too, that he hadn't noticed that the other man had already agreed, "Yes." "I just thought it'd be a great idea to just- wait, yes?" He gasped and a small grin searched its way onto Dean's lips. "Yes. I'll come, but just for Jess. Benny," he swallowed again, picking his lips nervously as he continued, "I- Cas-" He nervously ran his hands through his hair as the sudden urge to tell Benny, to finally talk about it suddenly vanished and the fear of pity and disappointment took over. "Forget about it." "Dean-" He ended the call abruptly. Next thing he knew, he had ripped their picture off the partition, furiously throwing it against the next wall where the glass broke. Thousands of small, broken pieces were covering the floor as the tears were burning in his eyes, demanding to be let loose. Anger crippled inside of him, mixing up with sorrow as he was staring at the picture in front of him, broken pieces of a long gone past, a love whose fire was long blown out, reminded him of the purity and sensation of falling in love for the first time. Eventually, he started crying while picking up the glass which was gashing his hands, but he didn't care and soon, there was a small pool of blood next to their picture. The rest of the night, he spent on their floor, back against the wall as he stared into nothing. His back had started hurting, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered. He just hoped for the pain to go away, but it didn't and eventually, it was the only companion who never left his side. 

Work was hell. Literal hell. His whole body was aching in pain and every minute, it got harder for him to keep his eyes open. As of right now, he was taking a small break before surgery. He was hovering over the sink in the changing room, splashing cold water onto his face to wash away every hint of debilitation and sorrow that could probably prevent him from doing his best. He pushed the self-deprecating thoughts to the back of his mind, focusing on the man standing in front of him. The commonly piercing green eyes were matt, staring back at the empty looking man in front of them. "Winchester?" A female voice cut through the silence. Dean didn't have to turn around to recognise Charlie, "You okay?" Dean inhaled sharply, everyone seemed to be asking him that question lately, even though he hadn't told anyone about Cas. "I'm doing just fine," he lied, "Anything wrong?" He then turned around to face Charlie, whose eyes displayed worry as she examined her best friend, "Dean, you know, I love you," "I love you, too." he muttered, facing the floor. "I love you, but I can't do this any more." "What do you mean?" He asked, frowning. "You're completely shutting down whenever Benny and I want to talk to you, you're always saying you're fine, yet you're visibly lying. You know, I've thought about this, I thought, maybe, maybe he just needs time, maybe he's dealing with something he simply can't talk about, but enough is enough. I care about you, Dean. A lot. You're my best friend, you're like family to me and I can't just lose you, I can't just stand on the sidelines and watch as you're slowly, yet surely walking away." Her green eyes were welling with tears as they met Dean's, "please", she mouthed. "Charlie, I-" "Dr. Winchester, we need you in OR2" a nurse called out determinant who now was leaning in the doorway. "I'm coming." He didn't know whether he should be glad, glad because he didn't have to open up in the end or worried, he couldn't handle the image of a devastated, worried Charlie, especially not when it was his fault. He left Charlie standing in the changing room, sighing as she watched Dean walk out of the door once again. 

Luckily, the surgery went well, even though Charlie had always been at the back of his mind, hovering over everything he seemed to be doing. It was late and the sky was dark as Dean left the hospital, the cold air comforted him in a way and he could feel the tension being lifted off his shoulders as his lungs were filled with fresh oxygen. He fiddled with his coat, trying to grab a cigarette as a deep voice got him to flinch, "Winchester." He sighed, not really enjoying the fact that everyone apparently wouldn't mind their own business, rather questioning Dean's. He gladly inhaled the toxic smoke, relaxing once again, "Yes?" He turned around, facing none other than James' piercing green eyes. "I just- man, are you okay? Not to offend you or anything, but you look like one of those zombies from the walking dead." Even though James grinned, Dean saw the glimpse of worry in the other man's eyes, which quickly vanished behind another expression Dean couldn't pinpoint yet. "I really don't want to talk." Suddenly, Dean felt tired. If he thought about it, tired was an underestimation. He felt exhausted, so burnt out and so emotionally drained that he wasn't even sure he was going to make it to his car. "Alright, love. Look, I wanted to ask whether you want to go, grab a drink or something, but you don't seem too well." "Actually, I don't mind grabbing a drink," he ignored the feeling of exhaustion, ignored that he wasn't in the mood to talk, ignored that he wasn't much of a drinker ever since college, either. "Really? Great. I know this bar nearby, I actually own the flat above it, it's quite nice, I think you'd like it, there aren't many people around, either." "Yea, maybe." Dean replied quietly. Since James revealed that he had come to work by foot, which Dean commented with an appreciative nod, they made their way over to Dean's impala. As soon as Dean sat behind the wheel and his hands touched the rough matter, the memories of a few weeks back flashed before his inner eye, so intense that, for a second, he forgot that James was in the car with him. His eyes fluttered shut as he grabbed the steering wheel harder, biting his lip to stop the memories from crushing down on him, from feeling Cas' burning touch on his hip and his hot tasting mouth conquering every inch of his body, "Dean, you alright, man?" Dean breathed heavily as he opened his eyes. His eyes met James' reassuring gaze, "Yea, sorry. Got caught up in my thoughts for a second, eh. So, what's the address?" 

They arrived at the bar about half an hour later. As James had promised earlier, there wasn't much happening in the small bar. Just a hand few other people were there, having a drink and sharing a few laughs. Dean greeted the warm air with a comfortable sigh, "It's cute, innit?" Dean nodded, shooting the man next to him a small, warm smile. They made their way towards the counter where a tall, young guy, who looked like he was about thirty, handed out drinks, "Ahh, James", the black haired guy beamed with excitement. "Evening, Nick. Dean," he nodded towards Dean and then Nick, "this is my idiotic best friend, Nick. Nick, this is my colleague, Dean." Nick's brown eyes examined Dean carefully, seeming a bit sceptic, "He's a good guy, Nick, trust me." James winked and the other man visibly relaxed, now shooting him a small smile, "Alright. I'm Nick, owner of this bar and a childhood friend of this fool. What do you want?" He gesticulated towards the menu that was placed on the counter. "Just a beer." "Yea, me, too." "Alright, take a seat, I'll come to you." Silently, Dean and James made their way over to a small table in the back of the bar. They sat in front of each other, staring awkwardly until James burst out into laughter, "Hi." "Hi." Dean replied, now joining James. "Okay, so, I promise, Nick usually isn't this... well, weird. He's just looking out for me, you know. He's older than me and kind of, well, not just kind of, really protective." James' green eyes were sparkling, radiating off comfort and warmth, so Dean let himself relax, feel safe for a second and forget about everything that was going on in his life at the moment. "He's protective of you? Has he seen you?" James licked his lips, grinning as he replied, "What do you mean? Enlighten me." "Nothing. I mean." he slightly blushed, "You just don't look like a guy who needs someone to protect him." A quiet laugh escaped James' lips, "Actually, you're right, but don't tell Nick. He still sees me as this small guy I used to be in middle school." "Sure." For a second they were silent as their eyes locked, a warm smile searched its way onto Dean's lips and he felt himself imagining what had happened if he had just leaned over the table, pulling James in by his collar, but he didn't and soon, their staring contest was interrupted by Nick, balancing a small tablet with their two beers. "One for you", he placed the beer in front of Dean who was slightly blushing, staring at the wooden table in front of him, "One for you", James thanked Nick quietly. With an "Alright, enjoy your drinks", Nick left them alone. They sat in silence for a while, neither of them daring to address the other one. "I heard you saved Benny's sister the other day." It was more of a statement than a question, but Dean was glad that the other man said something, since he despised uncomfortable silence. "I did. How is work going for you?" "Great, really." The conversation died again. "Look, Dean. I'm sorry, I know you're married-" "Not really." James' eyes widened in confusion as Dean stared at his beer, as if not looking at James would make him disappear. "He moved out", he grabbed his drink, drowning the pain in his chest in a sip of beer, "Said he couldn't do it any more, so he just grabbed his stuff and left." Dean's voice was soaking with coldness and bitterness as he took yet another sip of his beer. "I'm sorry." Worry was to be seen in James' green eyes that were searching for Dean's, who yet happened to consider the wooden table much more interesting. He didn't know what had gotten into him, why he had thought it would be a great idea to tell James, but now that he started, he didn't feel like he could stop talking. It just felt like a dam inside of him broke and the words were gushing out of him, "He cheated. With a girl. Her name's April. April? I mean, what kinda name even is that? Were her parents just going through every fucking month to find the right name? He told me he didn't mean to, he told me kissing and touching her caused him to miss me," a bitter chuckle escaped his chapped lips, "But she was there with him. She helped him pack his things. She was there. In our bedroom. Touching him. I don't think he misses me, but it's all I do. All day long. I sometimes wake up, expecting to find him laying next to me, cuddled up against me, but he isn't and I open my eyes and I'm alone. I come home, wanting to tell him something about work, something he would've liked, but he isn't there. I've never done this. I've never been so alone." James parted his lips as if he wanted to say something, but Dean was faster, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bother you with all of my problems." "Bother? Don't worry, you're not bothering me. I'm sorry it had to end like this." James softly patted Dean's arm. "I'm sorry, too", he silently replied as his thoughts were drifting off. "You know, I should probably go. I know, it's relatively early, but I've gotta work tomorrow...", James could feel Dean distancing himself from him, putting up the walls he, for once, had torn down before. Even though he wasn't too fond of letting Dean drive home alone, not after everything he had just told James, the determinant look on Dean's face convinced him otherwise, "It's alright." They paid for their two beers, wishing Nick a good night, whose eyes were clung to the two, even after they had left the bar, shaking his head softly. "I'm sorry, I'm sure this wasn't how you imagined your night." Dean silently stated, facing James as they were standing in front of Dean's impala. It was freezing outside, but somehow, the cold didn't bother him at all, the warmth in his heart that spread as soon as James smiled at the younger man, reassuring him that everything was alright, was enough. "I like you, Dean." James silently stated, suddenly being all shy, something that confused Dean in a way, contradictory to his flirty behaviour before. "I'm sorry to hear that you and your husband- Uh-" James was interrupted by Dean leaning in, crashing their mouths together passionately, he was too tired to think, too tired of hearing about Cas that he shut out every thought trying to stop him. It took James a few seconds, but soon, his hands were pulling Dean closer. Dean's hands were resting behind James' neck as their tongues were fighting for dominance. Surprisingly, Dean didn't win the fight. Even though he wasn't used to someone else leading, he let himself fall and simply enjoyed the kiss while it lasted. He drowned in the welcoming scent of cologne and warmth as James intensified the kiss, slowly sliding his hand into Dean's soft hair. A quiet moan escaped his lips as James slightly pulled, the reaction he got out of Dean got the other one to grin. Breathlessly, they broke apart, both panting as their eyes met, sparkling with lust and excitement. "I'm sorry, I-" This time, it was James who interjected, pulling Dean in once again, letting their lips collide. This time, the kiss was slow and soft, careful as if any sudden movement were able to burst the comfortable bubble of warmth they found themselves existing in. James smiled into the kiss, wrapping his arms around his colleague. After a while, Dean pulled away slowly, the taste of James' wet lips was still present on his and, for a second, he forgot where he was, overwhelmed by the sensation of kissing someone who wasn't Cas, the dissimilarity between Cas' smaller body, the way everything always fell into place, as if it were meant to be and James. The feelings he was exploring were so new, so different from anything he had experienced before, James was tall, Cas was smaller than Dean, James was dominant, leading while Cas had always left the lead to Dean. But he didn't mind the contrast, in a way, it was relieving how different and new James was in comparison to Cas. "You okay?" A glimpse of worry tarnished the content expression embellishing his sharp features. "Oh, yea." Dean coughed, trying to abandon any thought regarding the blue eyed man who happened to like haunting his thoughts. "This is your thing, huh? Zoning out for a while", he smirked. "Maybe. You know, I should get going." Dean could tell that James wanted to ask Dean whether he wanted to come inside, but he nipped it in the bud right away, signalising that he really wanted to head home. "Okay." "See you tomorrow, James." Dean shot James a small smile as he opened the car door. Yet, before being able to enter, James unwaveringly grabbed Dean's arm, forcing him to face James who pressed a quick, soft kiss onto Dean's lips. "See you tomorrow, Winchester", he whispered against the man's lips, then leaving Dean standing in front of his Impala, eyes clung to the spot where James was standing a few seconds ago.

He got home late that night. He still wasn't used to entering the cold, dark flat and being welcomed by a deadly silence, which was why he sighed as soon as he switched the light on. He decided that it'd be best for him to shower before going to bed.  
As soon as he stood in the shower and the warm water was pattering down on him, kissing his cold skin, he closed his eyes in an attempt of abandoning the sudden wave of loneliness that washed over him, haunting him as the weight of the world got harder to hold up. All of a sudden, he felt unbearably alone. He didn't know how long he had stood there, he didn't know when the tears had started flowing or when he had started to sob. He shouldn't have kissed James, not after he told him about how he missed Cas, still. He shouldn't have given him hope, even though Dean wasn't emotionally available, not any time soon. It had felt good. Kissing someone who wasn't Cas, who was so different from the other man, but, now, he just felt dirty. As if the guilt clung to his body and he wasn't able to wash it off. It was wrong. Wrong of him to talk to James, wrong of him to kiss the other man, leading him to believe that Dean was interested when, in reality, there was nothing keeping him from falling apart. He hated how he was nothing without Cas. Hated how he was a wreck. He had never pictured him to be so depended on another person that he couldn't exist without said person in his life, but, then again, he hadn't pictured Cas leaving, either. On the spur of the moment, he felt sick, as if he were about to throw up any second and, eventually, he did and had to sprint out of the shower and kneel over the toilet. The disgusting taste of vomit filled his mouth and caused Dean to throw up once again. In the end, Dean fell asleep kneeling in his bathroom, a towel wrapped around his wet body as he was hovering over the toilet. 

The week passed by and Dean felt like he got more miserable every day, every minute that passed. Dark circles were emerging under his eyes, already being a remarkable aspect of Dean's everyday look. He was pale, his lips were chapped and, all in all, he just looked tired. Mrs. Brock had informed him that Cas had called off therapy, too, apparently having given up completely. It was a Friday morning that Dean entered the hospital, the day of Jess' gathering, which he planned on cancelling, anyway. Jean greeted him with a worried smile and a quiet, "Good morning, Dr. Winchester." Usually, Dean would've responded, but, this time, he just shot her a small smile, not feeling actuated enough for anything else. He hadn't spoken to Charlie in a while, avoiding to be in her presence most of the time, wondering when he had gotten to the point where he would rather spend his nights alone on the bathroom floor, throwing up every few minutes, than open up to his best friend. He had talked to James once or twice, luckily, he didn't expect too much from Dean, since he had explained that he understood that he was going through a rough patch and didn't need any more unnecessary drama. If Dean thought about it, he didn't deserve James. He was a mess and a burden to anyone else. During work, he tried hard to focus on his patients and not on his personal life, but it was difficult and, one time that day, he was pulled aside by a seemingly worried James. They were standing on an empty floor, nobody else to be seen, except for a few nurses rushing from one room to another. "Hey," James' hand touched Dean's shoulder in an attempt to calm the green eyed man in front of him, who was fidgeting, down, "I don't mean to offend you in any way, but you don't seem too well. You sure you don't want to go home? I could come over later on. You seem like you need some rest." Dean gaze was glued to the spot where James' hand was resting on his shoulder, "Look, thank you for worrying, really. It's sweet, but I'm okay." "You sure?" Their eyes met and the stern look on James' face unsettled Dean in a way that the man didn't like. "Yes, thanks," he muttered under his breath. "Take care, okay? If you're like this, you're no good for the patients, nor yourself." "Hm." James let go of him and they both went on with their day. Dean knew that he wasn't okay, he knew that his state of mind could provoke him to make a mistake during work, but what was he supposed to do instead? Sit at home, cry himself to sleep, only to wake up to sprint towards the toilet? Let a middle aged woman who needed a DBS die? He definitely wouldn't let that happen.

Cancer was something horrible. Of course, it was. It took away someone's kid, someone's love, someone's parent- it took away someone. Cancer was horrible in every state and sadly, Dean had encountered several patients with brain cancer, some of them had lived a long, fulfilled life, with kids or just a lot of adventures, but when a certain blonde haired, blue eyed boy, who seemed to be about six, entered the hospital the same day, it tore Dean apart. The boy was there with his mum, holding her hand the whole time, even after she started crying while talking to Dean, informing him about the diagnosis. Even though the woman in front of him was young, a tired expression embellished her eyes and he could tell that she had been through much, making her seem much older, much more experienced and exhausted than she actually was. Dean didn't think he had ever encountered a kid who was as heart warming and intelligent as the little Jordan, the whole time, he was laying on the bed, smiling as if everything were alright, calming down his mum. Jordan's type of cancer was called "Medulloblastoma", a type of cancer that was most common in kids before the age of 10. Dean had paged Benny, with whom he had talked about the possible treatments for the little boy, coming to the conclusion that they would probably have to take the risk of operating, relieving symptoms caused by the tumour pressuring the brain. As of right now, Dean was explaining the risks of a surgery, same as the necessity of a surgery, of removing a part of Jordan's skull, his own bones covering the opening in the skull, to his mum. She started crying again right then and there, Dean softly touched her shoulder in an attempt to calm her down, whispering calmingly, reassuring her that they would try everything they could, that Jordan was a fighter and one of the strongest children, they had ever seen. "It's okay, mummy", Jordan's voice interrupted his mum's sobs as she turned around to face her child, his blue eyes were sparkling with worry, but also love, "It's gonna be okay." "Oh, baby", she was at his side in no time, wrapping her arms around her son protectively. "I love you", Jordan whispered, burying his face in her neck, enveloping his small arms around her. "Alright, Jordan. We'll see each other again in a few days, alright?", he beamed, "Until then, stay strong, hug your mummy a lot and watch a looot of Tv." Jordan grinned, "Thanks, Dr. Winchester, I will." "Take care." His mum turned around, a pained, yet somehow genuine smile enhanced her features, "Thank you", she mouthed. He hadn't talked to Benny again, except for a few minutes after Jordan and his mum had left, they had debated over whether a surgery was the best treatment they could provide, but as they got to the point where they both had to take off and comfort different patients, their ways parted.  
He had tried talking to Benny again that day, had wanted to talk about the "party" they invited him to, but somehow, the pediatrician was nowhere to be found, apparently being in surgery after their talk, so Dean had gone home. It took him a few minutes, or half an hour, of just staring at his phone, internally debating whether it would be a good idea to call and cancel his plans with Jess or not. Sooner or later, he concluded that he owed it to Jess, since she wasn't just Benny's little sister, she was like a little sister to him, too. "Dean?" The voice at the other end of the call exclaimed excitedly. "Hi." Dean's voice was raspy, yet he sounded tired, but he couldn't stop his mouth twitching into a small smile. "How are you? I'm so glad you called. I'm so excited for today. I didn't want to thank you over the phone, god," she chuckled, "I'm rambling, I know. Sorry. You know me." His heart clenched at the thought of having to break it to her that he wasn't going to make it, "Jess, I-" He prevented himself from continuing. "Yes?" She asked, curious as to why Dean was calling, even though her brother had already hinted at Dean being assorted and the possibility of him cancelling their plans. Dean swallowed hard, slowly stroking the nape of his neck, breathing in deeply as he continued, "I just-", he was distressed, the sudden burst of confidence had vanished and left a shy, self-conscious Dean behind, "It's nothing. I just wanted to make sure I'm not running late, at what time am I supposed to show up?" "Oh," Jess chuckled, "Around seven, I think. I'm glad you're coming, Dean. I really am." "Yeah", he replied, all chocked up. "Alright, I'll see you tonight. Love you." "You, too." After he had hung up, his eyes fluttered shut for a second, he clenched his fits and jaw, anger taking over. Anger at himself, because he was incapable of doing the right thing, ever. 

As of right now, Dean was fishing for his keys, hidden in the depth of his coat, among theatre tickets, bus tickets and other stuff he never found the time to throw into the bin. Finally, he felt the cold metal, grabbing his keys and opening the door to enter his flat. The deadly silence welcomed him, causing him to want to spin around and walk the other way, but, instead, he tossed off his shoes and Coat, making his way over to his living room, letting himself sink into thei- his sofa. He shut his eyes, just enjoying the warmth and comfort the sofa provided. Around six forty, after not having moved for about half an hour, Dean forced himself to stand up, groaning as he did so. He loved Jess, he loved Benny and Jackie, too, but if he had to choose between drowning in self-pity while laying on his sofa for a few hours and between having to talk to his friends, pretending to be alright, he would have chosen to stay at home any day, but he had promised and he wasn't about to break it. Then again, after tonight, maybe they would stop worrying and leave him alone. For such an ordinary occasion, he decided changing into other clothes than the ones he had been wearing all day would be a good idea. Thus, he changed into a tight black shirt and some random pair of jeans he had found in the depth of his closet, where light wasn't shining. Carelessly, he grabbed his coat and phone, making it disappear in his pocket.

Dean loved winter. It had always been his favourite season, even when he had been a small kid, snow had always been fascinating to him and whenever he had woken up to find the city covered in white, he had felt so incredibly happy that he had ran outside, throwing himself into the cold. His mum hadn't been to fond of Dean's plans, but she never stopped him as the happy noises her son made as soon as his bare feet kissed the cold snow were enough for her to leave him be. So, one could say that he was quite happy as he stepped outside and looked up at the grey sky. It was cold, very cold, cold enough for it to snow that night, he figured. A small smile searched its way onto his lips as he entered the car and for the first time in a while, he felt okay.

Unfortunately, the content feeling that had settled a few minutes ago didn't last long. He was running late, an accident had occurred and he was stuck in traffic. He was already drumming his fingers on the steering wheel, anxious as he usually wasn't the one to run late. "Come on," he whispered, an annoyed tone audible in his voice. He arrived at Benny's place about eighteen minutes too late. He had parked in front of their house, just fiddling with the keys to lock his car as a remarkably silent voice cut through the air, causing Dean to flinch. "Dean-", the other person had softly whispered and Dean didn't have to turn around to know that it was Cas who had spotted his husband. Dean closed his eyes for a second, breathing in deeply as he grabbed his keys harder. His knuckles were as white as the snow he hoped for as he turned around, pressing his lips shut with a slight frown. It took a lot out of Dean to not storm over to Cas, punching him in the one and kissing him in the other second. As much as it hurt Dean, Cas looked good. So good that Dean had to swallow, hard. He was wearing his typical trench coat, but, instead of his usual trousers, he was wearing a tight jeans. Cas looked like he was eighteen again, his eyes were sparkling, there was nothing to be seen of the exhaustion that had always haunted his eyes a few weeks ago, they reminded Dean of much easier times. "What are you doing here?" Dean asked tonelessly. "I- Benny invited me. They don't know, do they?" A hint of sadness flashed through his eyes, or so Dean thought. The expression quickly vanished as a smile appeared on Cas' lips. "They don't." Dean stated, shifting uncomfortably. "Dean, I-" "Let's go inside", he interjected, not willing to talk to Cas any further, because he couldn't guarantee he wasn't going to kiss Cas if they continued talking. They were walking over to the entrance, the tension was almost unbearable, but neither of them dared to say anything. Until, just as Dean was about to ring the door bell, Cas stopped him, grabbing his hand. "I- Uh", Cas blushed, quickly letting go of Dean's hand. He felt like Cas' touch had burned him, his whole body was aching, so desperately wanting to feel Cas' hand in his once again that Dean had to bite his lip to contain himself, stop himself from doing something he would regret. "Why didn't you tell them? That we", he obstructed himself, almost as if it hurt him to continue speaking, "broke up, I mean." "I just- didn't find the right time, okay? Let's just pretend like we're alright, I really can't deal with this now, okay?" Dean didn't mean to come off as harsh, yet Cas flinched at the words he spoke, silently staring at the black door mat, which read "Welcome to our lovely home", not daring to trigger Dean any more. "Okay", he mumbled.

It was Jess who answered the door, shrieking excitedly as her eyes landed on Dean, "You're here". Before he could reply, she quickly pulled him into a hug, wrapping her, in comparison to Dean's, very small arms around him. Dean usually wasn't the one to hug people, he didn't think too much of sharing too much contact if it wasn't needed, but he somehow didn't mind his close friends. "I'm glad you're alright", he whispered, freeing himself of the embrace only to press a small, soft kiss on her hair. "All thanks to you", she smiled widely. Dean blushed as he couldn't help but grin at the girl in front of him. "Uhm", Cas coughed awkwardly, interrupting their grinning contest. "Ah, Cas." Jess made her way over to Cas, pulling into a quick embrace. Instead of facing Cas, Dean wandered off, sauntering into the big living room. He didn't know how many nights they had spent there, sitting around the table, drinking and playing games. It was something they had gotten into after both of the couples had started dating in College, just spending hours laughing about their idiocy after having too much to drink. "Dean". He was greeted by Jackie who pulled him into a warm and comforting embrace, resting her head on his shoulder. "Haven't seen each other in a while, eh?" He chuckled, softly patting her back. "I've missed you." She stated, pulling away from Dean slowly, only to shuffle his hair in a loving motion. "Me, too", he quietly added. "Look, babe, not that I'm jealous or anything, but I think you've cuddled him enough, it's my turn now." Benny appeared behind Jackie, grinning like a Cheshire cat as he carefully pushed Jackie aside. Next thing he knew, Benny had wrapped his arms around him, muttering a quiet "Evening, buddy", under his breath and if he were being honest, he had missed his best friend terribly. He let go of Dean after a while, gesticulating towards the laid table, "It's a buffet, so, if you're hungry, you can just grab something. If you want to have a drink- beer, water and other drinks are in the kitchen." "Alright, thanks." "Hello, I'm Lou", a blonde girl that Dean hadn't noticed before spoke up, it turned out that she happened to be Jess' long time best friend, he greeted her politely, shaking her hand. She blushed as he shot her a small smile and he internally sighed. They were silent for a few seconds and just then, Cas and Jess entered the living room. "Ahh, look who's there," Benny mocked, "My favourite poker player." Dean inhaled sharply, crossing his arms as he watched Benny walking over to Cas, welcoming him by pulling him into a hug. "Nice to see you", Cas replied, grinning widely. Jackie was the one who superseded Benny and the longer they hugged, the more uncomfortable Dean got. He bit his lip in an attempt of calming himself down, contain the hurt and jealousy burning inside of him. If he didn't plan on telling Benny and Jackie about them, he would have to act normal, but, then again, if he were honest, he didn't really remember what was considered normal any more. Ever since Cas had left, Dean's judgement was clouded, he wasn't able to think clearly, the only thing that was burned into his mind being the constant thought of loneliness and barely surviving. "Okay, then. Let's grab a bite", Benny exclaimed. "Alright."

To Dean's relief, he and Cas had managed to keep their distance, not having been involved in a conversation once. As of right now, Dean was in the kitchen, searching for yet another drink. "Dean?" A female voice interrupted Dean's trace of thoughts regarding whether he could take another drink or whether it would cause him to end up on the bathroom floor once again. "Huh?" He turned around to face Jess whose features adorned a shy smile, "Can we talk?" Dean frowned, "Yea, sure. What's wrong, love?" "Look," she fully entered the small kitchen, stopping right in front of Dean, "I just wanted to thank you again." "Oh," Dean visibly relaxed, "there's no need to thank me, it's my job." "I know," her voice broke and only then, Dean noticed the tears welling in her eyes, "But you saved my life." "Oh, come here", he whispered, carefully wrapping his arms around her small body. She rested his head on his chest as a small sob escaped her lips, "You- If it weren't for you, I would be dead, I wouldn't have to opportunity to- I wouldn't- I." "It's okay", he muttered, pressing a small kiss onto her hair. "I know, it's difficult, but don't think about what could have happened. You're alive. You're okay. You're breathing. You'll be able to live a long and fulfilled life. I promise." "I love you", she whispered, pressing herself closer against Dean's warm body. "I love you, too, miss Chicago." She let out a low laugh, playfully punching Dean's side. When Jess was younger, she had been at the Miss vote in Chicago, they were searching for the prettiest girl, she had been so excited, it had always been her goal. Another girl, Jane Cruz, won. Jess had been crying for hours that day, she had locked herself in her room, not willing to talk to her parents, nor her brother. Dean had been over at their house, he didn't know why, but she had opened the door for him and he had just hugged her as she was crying in his arms, whispering that he thought she was much prettier than Jane and that, for him, she was Miss Chicago. It had been their thing ever since. Whenever Jess was crying, she always came to Dean and he'd always call her Miss Chicago, even though Jess had expressed that the nickname was embarrassing, she never minded when Dean said it. "You're an idiot." "An idiot?", he mocked, furrowing his brows. "Yea, an idiot", she reassured, smiling as she did. "Thanks." She giggled, slowly backing away. Suddenly, her playful expression vanished, leaving a serious one behind, "Thank you, Dean", she stated quietly, "For everything, I mean."

When it began, it was around one am. Dean was standing in front of the window, an almost empty beer bottle in his hands as his eyes were clung to the grey sky. It was around one am when he noticed the small snowflakes trickling down onto earth, covering its streets and roof, turning the dark houses white. His eyes widened and he couldn't contain himself, he let out an excited gasp. "Look, it's snowing." Jackie appeared next to him, seemingly as excited as Dean. "It is?" Soon, all of them were gathered in front of the window, staring at the sky. "It's beautiful", Dean whispered, the sensation taking over, replacing the content feeling the alcohol had provided. Just then, he noticed someone's stare burning through the back of his skull, he suddenly felt hot, he could feel the heat creeping its way onto his face. He turned around to see Cas' examining him, he stood apart from the others, a drink in his hand that didn't seem to bother him. Cas' eyes widened as they met Dean's, the other man blushed and Dean frowned, signalising that he wanted to know whether there was something wrong. Cas slowly shook his head, "I want to go outside", Jackie jokingly begged, not waiting for the others to express their consent, much rather grabbing Benny's arm to pull him towards the door that lead to their garden. "I guess we have to join", Jess chuckled. "I guess," Dean added, smiling slightly as he offered Jess his arm and they walked through the door. The cold air wrapped itself around Dean like a blanket, overwhelmed by the excitement and sensation that washed over him, he and Jess just stood there for a while, admiring the white clouds and the tiny snowflakes that were kissing Dean's skin, melting as soon as they met the warmth. A comfortable silence settled, for a few minutes, no one dared to speak a word, merely focusing on the beautiful, in a way peaceful, image of their in snow covered city. All of a sudden, just as Dean had turned to face Jess, wanting to ask her something about work, something hit the back of his head, "What the-" Another snowball hit him, this time, it clung to his neck, slowly sliding down his back. "Ugh," he shrieked, letting out a not so manly scream. He quickly spun around, glaring at Benny whose eyes brimmed with small tears of mirth and the smile tugging his lips broke into a grin, "How old are you again?" As he stalked forward, Benny slowly backed off, gesticulating conciliatory, "Dean, man, plea-" Just as Benny was about to argue, Dean reached him, quickly tackling him. Soon, they were laying in the cold snow, Dean had Benny pinned down, icing his beloved face with snow, "You started this", Dean giggled. "I hate you", Benny managed to get out, coughing as he slurred some of the snow, "Stop." "Yea, no." Dean pinned him down for a few more seconds, just then letting to and leaping to his feet. He offered his hand to Benny who thankfully grabbed it, almost pulling Dean back down with him, "Man, fuck you." They both giggled as they walked up to the others who had witnessed the whole scene, the girls had an amused smile displayed on their lips, yet Cas' lips were pressed together into a thin line, his eyes were narrowed as he let out an exasperated sigh. Dean furrowed his brows once again, shooting Cas a questioning look. "You're still, like, twelve years old, aren't you?" Jackie laughed softly, wrapping her arms around Benny as he appeared next to her. "Dean, would you mind?" Cas gesticulated towards the street, implying that he wanted to take a walk. "Actually, yes" Dean replied, for once forgetting that they weren't alone and that the others didn't know about their breakup, his attitude had shifted and that his voice was soaking with coldness Benny frowned, eyes oscillating from Dean to Cas, noticing the shift in both of them. "Please", Cas mouthed, a begging expression adorned his features that brought Dean back to reality, painfully reminding him of where he happened to be. "Yea, sure", he replied, this time putting on a sweet smile. "I'll bring him back in no time, don't worry" Even though Cas winked, desperately trying to save the impression they had of them, his eyes radiated off exhaustion and hurt. "Okay."

It was silent as they were slowly walking next to each other. It was still snowing, yet Dean somehow wasn't able to enjoy the beautiful image, the only thing he could focus on being Cas' hands that were so close to his own. If he had wanted to, he could have just intertwined their fingers, but, instead, he made sure that slowly, but surely backed off, causing the distance between them to grow larger. "What did you want to talk about?" Dean asked, hiding his fidgeting hands in his pockets. "We have to tell them." They were silent for a few seconds until Dean added, "I know." "I don't want to." Dean stated, suddenly stopping in his tracks. He was tired of playing games, tired of pretending he didn't want nor needed the other man whose blue eyes were gazing up at Dean. "You don't?" Cas' eyes widened as he tilted his head. "Look, I know what I've said was not okay, I know I messed up, too, but-" he obstructed himself, unsettled, not knowing whether to continue, but it just burst out of him, as if he weren't able to contain himself, "I love you. I still do. I just love you all of the time. It's like I can't breathe, like I'm drowning and you're the only one able to save me and keep me from falling apart. I'm just so tired, so tired" he was breathing in and out deeply, balling his fists as he was trying to stop the tears from welling in his eyes, "I just- I miss you, I miss you every damn second and it's killing me. Needing you, missing you is the most exhausting thing I've ever done. I never pictured myself to be so depended on another person, but I am and it's tearing me apart to see you. It's tearing me apart to even think about you. I love you. It's ridiculous, I know, but I do. I can't believe I'm telling you this. I'm so-" The vulnerability in Dean's eyes was enough for Cas to pull him in by the back of his collar, causing their lips to collide in a slow, yet passionate kiss. After a few seconds of surprise, the well known feeling of warmth and love took over, leading Dean to pull Cas in closer. Cas' lips brushed his, softly, delicately, it came so easy to them, just like breathing, as if they hadn't done anything else, ever. It lasted just long enough for Dean to inhale Cas' scent, the smell of home, feel the warmth of his skin, and the taste of mint lingering far after he had gone. After Dean had pulled away, he swallowed hard, not being able to speak up as the only word his mouth seemed to remember was Cas' name. "What does this mean?" He muttered under his breath as his pupils dilated as if he were drunk or addicted, addicted to the feeling of Cas' soft lips colliding with his. "I love you, that's what this means", a delighted giggle escaped Cas' lips as his thumb ran over Dean's wetted lips. Yet, all of a sudden, the loving expression that adorned his features vanished and something else took over that Dean couldn't pinpoint. "Dean," he hoarsely started, biting his lip as he was about to continue. "Don't," Dean silently whispered, he hated being vulnerable, but it was what Cas did to him, "just- Don't say anything. For a few minutes, at least, I just want to feel like everything is okay. After all, I'm here with my husband. It's snowing. It's quiet. It's beautiful." For a few minutes, they were silent, simply enjoying the other person's company and their white surroundings. "Dean," Cas then began, "I just- I didn't plan on coming at first, after Benny texted me, but I figured this was the only way so I could get you to talk to me", he bit his lip, almost as if he didn't want to continue, "I'm leaving Chicago." Silence. The words leaving and Chicago repeated themselves over and over in his mind, yet he still wasn't able to wrap his head around it. "You- You're leaving." It was more of a statement than a question. Dean's incredulous expression caused Cas to stare at his dirty shoes, not being able to face the vulnerable, hurt look in his eyes. "Look, Dean" Cas stepped forward in an attempt of touching Dean's shoulder to calm him down, yet Dean backed off, staring at Cas' hand as if it were a gun or another weapon that would hurt him any second. "I- I've got a new job. It's a big play, really. It's great, I've already talked to the director", he exclaimed excitedly, only frowning as he stated, "It's in San Francisco, though." "San Francisco?" Dean spat out, a bitter chuckle escaped his lips as he continued, "You know, that's, like, over two fucking thousand miles from Chicago." "I know, I just- thought you should know." He kicked some stone with his shoe, not daring to meet Dean's burning gaze. "You- Didn't you just say you loved me?!" He aggressively ran his hands through his hair, staring at Cas in utter disbelief. "I did- I do love you, Dean." "Then, why the fuck are you leaving?" His voice started shaking as the tears were burning in his eyes. While, on the one hand, Dean just wanted to break down, kneel in front of Cas, hug him and beg him not to leave him, on the other hand, anger crippled inside of him and he wanted to do nothing more than punch the face he loved. "Why aren't you fucking fighting? I thought we were supposed to get through this? Through therapy? I thought you fucking loved me? You don't know what I've been going through these last few weeks, I've been through hell, literal hell and you, you show up, fuck- you kiss me, you tell me you love me, just so you can tell me that you're gonna leave? To the other end of the fucking country?" To Cas' surprise and horror, Dean started laughing bray right then and there. It wasn't just a small laugh, but a loud, terrific one as Dean didn't seem to calm down soon, he crossed his arms over his chest in an attempt to catch his breath, but instead of calming down, he laughed even more hysterically, with a few tears streaming down his cheeks. "Wow," after a few minutes, he was able to calm himself down, "You really are an asshole, huh? You know what? Fuck you." Dean started walking back to the house, only to be grabbed by Cas'. His touch burned through Dean's coat, but instead of giving in, letting his desire win, the wish to punch Cas in the face was almost unbearable. "Don't touch me", he hissed, pointing his finger at Cas, feeling his veins throbbing in his neck. "I love you", Cas whimpered. "Yeah, sure. Do whatever you have to do, I don't fucking care. Go to hell, Castiel." Dean freed himself, hastily walking towards the house, leaving Cas standing in the snow, eyes clung to Dean's figure as they were welling with tears. 

Dean had called an Uber shortly after that, planning on picking up his impala the next morning. He briefly talked to Benny, explaining that he wasn't feeling too well and would much rather go to bed. Benny had been worried, wishing for Dean to get well soon. 

He had gotten home sometime that night, he hadn't gone to bed right after arriving, having a few other drinks that, unfortunately, still didn't let him forget Cas' expression that had adorned his features after kissing Dean, the love and warmth. Dean had actually believed Cas. He had actually believed that Cas was going to try. Suddenly, his vision was blurry and everything felt messed up, his whole body hurt and eventually, he had spent yet another night on his bathroom floor, emptying every food he had contained in the toilet.

\-----

"Dean, are you okay?" A deep voice brought Dean back to reality, he blinked a few times and only then, his eyes focused on the man sitting in front of him in his kitchen. The green eyes were examining Dean carefully, "Yea, I am. Sorry. What were you saying?" The black haired man chuckled, "I was just talking about whether we're driving together today, when does your shift start?" "Oh, right. Sorry, babe", Dean swallowed, just then remembering that he had promised James that they'd drive together. "Gotta be at work at six, so we could leave at five thirty?" "Yea, that'd be fine with me." Dean shot him a small smile, then focusing on the newspaper in front of him and the coffee he was supposed to drink that had already turned cold. Despite the fact that his coffee was cold, he forced it down his throat, wincing at the unpleasant taste. "Ugh," he groaned, "I absolutely despise cold coffee." "Yeah," James agreed, "definitely disgusting. Something you should only wish for someone like Mike." "Rude," he chortled, "you're right, though. The guy just thinks he's the best, huh?" Mike happened to be the new head of the Emergency department at their hospital, he wasn't exactly too fond of James' and Dean's relationship, in general any relationship that wasn't between a man and a woman, so they liked to annoy him by kissing in front of him, which always made him incredibly uncomfortable and stomp off with a head that much rather looked like a tomato than something human. "He does", James nodded in agreement, "I'm gonna go change, you enjoy your cold coffee." James slowly stood up, leaning over the table to press a small, soft kiss on Dean's lips, "Thanks, but... what was that for?" "You're cute", James winked, leaving Dean blushing. "You're an idiot", he muttered, focusing once again on the seemingly impossible task of swallowing the disgusting coffee. "You know you love me", James called out, already having left the bright kitchen and walking over to Dean's bedroom. "I do", a crooked grin searched its way onto Dean's lips. "I do", he whispered again, this time rather to himself than James. 

They arrived at work at six, the sun was rising and coloured the sky in a beautiful red. If Dean had the time, he would have just stood there and admired how beautiful life could be. But it wasn't just the sky, the buildings were painted in a light shade of red. "This is so beautiful", James exclaimed as they were stepping out of the Impala. "It really is." James turned to face Dean, smiling widely and for a second, they just stood there, smiling at each other. James' green eyes were sparkling in a provocative way that caused Dean to blush. "You're cute when you're blushing", James smirked, knowing exactly that his comment would cause Dean to blush even more. "I hate you", he jokingly stated as he walked over to James who intertwined their fingers as they were walking towards the big, white hospital. "Morning", Jean exclaimed, her red hair was whipping as she nodded in their direction. "Morning to you, too", they both replied politely. "So, I have to get ready for a MISS, I'll just..." he trailed off, gesticulating towards the changing room. "Alright, you do that, I've got a surgery at seven myself. Good luck, even though I know you won't need it. See you at lunch", James winked once again, quickly leaning in to brush their lips together. The kiss only lasted for a second until James pulled away, leaving Dean standing in the hallway, grinning as he ran his thumb over his lips. 

As luck would have it, the surgery went well as the patient's, an elderly man, pain got reduced, therefore, he was well and stable. As of right now, Dean was walking through the halls, just on his way to check up on another patient as someone grabbed him from behind. "What the-", he flinched, almost clenching his fist to place it in the person's face, but, luckily, he recognised Charlie as soon as the other person forced him to turn around. "Winchester," she hissed, just then letting go of Dean. "God, Charlie," Dean found himself breathing heavily, trying to calm down his racing heart, "You scared the shit out of me." "I'm sorry," she tried to contain a grin, "Look, two things. First of all, I wanted to ask whether you would wanna scrub in on my surgery in, wait", she stared at the clock at the end of the hallway, "an hour? It's a DBS, I could need someone as smart and cute as you in my OR", she smirked cheekily. "Alright, but what was the second thing?" Dean questioned, already tilting his head. "So, there's this BBQ at the end of the week, it's at my place, you know, it's just you, Benny, Jackie and me. You can bring your...", Charlie shifted uncomfortably, biting her lip as she continued, "Boyfriend, too." Dean had noticed the shift in Charlie's attitude as soon as she had to mention James, yet he didn't comment any further on it, well knowing that it would only turn into a discussion he didn't want to have at this point. "I will. Thanks." "Alright, see you, then." Charlie nodded, then continued walking down the hall. "Next time, don't grab me from behind", he called out, a low chuckle escaping his lips. "Sure thing, Winchester."

Despite the fact that they faced a few complications during surgery, the patient made it out alive. Barely, but still alive. As of right now, Dean was on his way to the cafeteria, not planning on eating the unbearable food that he couldn't keep down, anyway, but planning on spending some time with James and Benny. He was just walking past Jean's desk at the entrance as her voice cut through the air, "Dr. Winchester?" He stopped in his tracks, turning to the right to face her. An unreadable expression adorned her icing blue eyes as she nodded towards one of the rooms they used to talk to patients about their treatment and possible outcomes, "There's someone waiting for you in 07." Dean furrowed his brows, "Someone?" "Yea, a guy. Short, brown hair and blue eyes-" Dean frowned for a second, only then stalking towards the room with big, angry steps. If it were who he presumed the person was, which couldn't be possible, it'd been a long time- "Thanks", he called out, gesticulating towards Jean. Dean tossed the door open, stopping in his tracks as if he were frozen to the ground. The other man had sat down on one of the stools and was currently staring at his phone, but as Dean entered, his eyes shot up, a hint of surprise and something else adorned his sharp features, "Dean", he whispered. Dean parted his lips as if he wanted to say something, but nothing came out. His breathing hitched as his gaze met Cas'. And, suddenly, he felt as if Cas had never left, as if he still loved him and the emotions were crushing down on him, so intense and so much that it felt like they were pulling Dean down, drowning him in a deep sea of sorrow and hurt. "What are you doing here?", it took a lot out of Dean to not break down in front of Cas, though he couldn't hide the mixture of anger, sadness and hurt that his green eyes displayed. Instead of answering the question, Cas replied hoarsely, "I'm sorry." Dean's eyes widened, he opened his mouth in an attempt to reply, but closed it once again. "I know I left," he continued quietly, eyes never once leaving Dean's, "I'm sorry. God, I'm so sorry, Dean." "You're sorry?" Dean jeered in utter disbelief. "I am. Truly, incredibly sorry." Cas slowly got up, almost stumbling as he wanted to walk over to Dean. The closer he got, the more Dean was able to see the pure exhaustion hidden in his blue eyes. "Why are you here?" Dean spat out. He thought, if he were just being rude enough, maybe, maybe the part deep down that still cared about Cas, even after everything he had done, would die down. "I'm here to apologise an-" Dean interjected, shaking his head, "To apologise? I don't want your fucking apology. It's been six fucking years, Cas. Six years. You left years ago, you left me here, the miserable wreck that I was, without another word. You basically ruined me. You don't know what you made me go through. You don't know how much pain you've caused me. I don't want your apology, I want you to fucking go back to where you're coming from. To San Francisco or your girlfriend, I don't care. You left. You don't get to come back. You don't get to make me all miserable again, not after I'm finally okay. Not after I've finally started to move on. Please, Cas. If there's a small part of you that loves me, really, truly loves me- leave. Because you know, as well as I do, that I can't- I can't move on if you're not letting me go, because there's this part in me, deep down, that remembers us- not the us of six years ago, but the us in college, the us who got married, the us who was happy, the part that would always run back to you." Cas parted his lips as if he wanted to say something, as if he wanted to argue, explain what had happened, but he closed them again, standing there like a lost puppy. "You'll find the exit on your own." Dean spun around, about to leave as a small voice cut through the due to the tension thick air, "I'm dying." Dean immediately stopped, slowly turning around to face Cas who was eyeing the ground, almost as if he were embarrassed. "You're- what?" His eyes widened, he thought that, maybe, he had just misheard the other man, but Cas quietly replied, "I'm dying, Dean." Dying. The heavy word resonated through Dean's mind over and over again. His breathing hitched as his hands unintentionally started trembling. His head felt dizzy and his vision got blurry, almost as if he were about to faint, sweat dripped down his temples and a weird pain spread throughout his chest. He bit his lip, attempting to control his breath, but the only think he could think about were the words the other man had just spoke. Cas was dying. "What do you mean, you're dying?" Dean asked, tonelessly as he could feel the colour draining from his face. "You probably remember that I moved to Chicago to participate in a big play," he chuckled humourlessly, "During our dress rehearsal, I fainted, later on, I was told, I experienced a seizure. Apparently, I was just laying consciousness on the floor as my muscles were twitching and my skin turned blue, they told me I hadn't been breathing, either. Those were probably one of the most horrific seconds of my life, because I woke up and I didn't know what had happened, but my head was hurting badly and I felt so incredibly tired, I haven't experienced anything like that, ever." He swallowed hard, breathing in deeply and Dean just wanted to walk over to him, wrap his arms around Cas and never let him go ever again. "Of course, I've been to a doctor, but he told me there was nothing to worry about. If I think about it, I wouldn't exactly consider someone not breathing after losing consciousness for about thirty seconds normal. So, I just told the directors I was fine, because I felt like, you know, this was a one time thing, but they didn't believe me and, eventually, fired me, didn't think I was worth the risk", a humourless chortle escaped his lips as a pained expression adorned his eyes, "You know, I just went on with my life, didn't think too much of it, until I started experiencing other symptoms a few months after that. Again, this time, it was nothing too obvious, I just experienced some fatigue, I couldn't really sleep and just noticed that I forgot a lot more, I mean, I've always been clumsy and forgetful, but not like that. Not to that extent. I felt like whole memories were just swiped out of my mind. So, I went to another doctor, who only said there was something off, he told me to see a neurosurgeon, but nothing more. And I did, I mean, I worried, of course, but I didn't think it'd actually be me, you know? Obviously, through you, I've heard a lot about brain tumours, patients and treatments, but I just never pictured that, one time, I'd be the patient. When you talked about it, it was horrible, obviously, but it was so far away for me, nothing that would ever affect me. It sounds ridiculous, I know, but I was naive, naive and stupid and I'm sorry for that, I truly am. So, the neurosurgeon, Mr. Rhodes, didn't tell me at first, he just sat in front of me for a few minutes and asked questions, how old I was, whether I was in a relationship- he really did confuse me, but I had just broken up with April at that point, so I was all alone. He then told me. It felt so surreal, I wasn't even sure it wasn't just another nightmare and I would wake up in my small bed, relieved that it was just a dream, but it wasn't. I've got cancer, Dean. It's bad. Really bad, we've tried several treatments, believe me, I was miserable, but nothing worked. It always came back" Cas' voice broke and at that point, Dean didn't even care how much Cas had hurt him, he hastily made his way towards Cas, protectively wrapping his arms around the other man. Cas rested his head on Dean's chest, feeling the other man's racing heartbeat. Dean rested his head on Cas', inhaling the welcoming scent of the man he still admired as he closed his eyes. Cas had always smelled like home, a mixture of earth, garden- just a bit more human than the rest of them. For a while,  
they just held each other close, pretending that, if they just stood there long enough, it would be just them, not cancer, not anything bad, just them. "How bad is it?", Dean quietly muttered, eyes still shut. "It's the end stage, he said I've got a few weeks, at best, he said treatment would be more painful than what's about to come." Dean pulled Cas even closer, softly stroking his love's back as a quiet sob escaped Cas' lips. "I don't want to die", he whispered, voice thick with tears. "I know", Dean didn't know what else to say as the agonizing realization settled that cancer patients at stage four were condemned to pass. "I'm so sorry", he quietly pressed a soft kiss onto Cas' hair. "I'm so sorry, Dean. For hurting you. For everything I've put you through. I know it wasn't your fault, it never was. I was just too hurt to see it. I love you, still. Always. Please." "It's okay," he murmured, "It's okay, baby." And, for a while, they just stood there and Cas cried onto Dean's shirt and, eventually, Dean cried, too, muttering "It's okay", over and over again.

Eventually, Cas had told Dean that he had wanted to die in Chicago, with his family and old friends whom he had left behind after moving to San Francisco, too. Right now, he was living with his family, he was sleeping in his old bedroom, its walls were still covered in band posters and pictures of him and his friends, most of them were with Dean, taken during much easier times. As of right now, Cas was just about to leave as Dean had to continue working, having spent his whole lunch break with Cas, talking about what he wanted to do these last few weeks and what he had done back in San Francisco. After being fired, Cas had revealed, he had worked in a small bookshop, a work that fit, or so Dean thought. During college, Cas had always been the nerd, much more interested in books and Dean than anything or anyone else. They were standing in front of the hospital, the sun was kissing their bare skin, spreading the feeling of comfortableness in a way that both of them needed. "Call me, okay?" "I will." They smiled at each other until Cas pulled Dean in for a hug once again, wrapping his arms around the taller man as he gladly inhaled the scent of home. "I love you, Dean", Cas whispered, only then pulling away. Dean parted his lips, the "I love you, too" burning at the tip of his tongue until images of James flashed before his inner eye, reminding him that he had moved on, that he was supposed to be in love with someone else. "Take care." "You, too." For a while, Dean just stood there, eyes clung to the spot where Cas stood a few seconds ago. Cas was back.

"Where were you?" James hissed as soon as Dean walked out of the hospital and towards the Impala where James was waiting, the green eyes were examining him penetratingly, trying to read what was going on with Dean. "I had a patient, I'm sorry", he explained quietly, not meeting James' gaze. "Okay, just, I don't know, I wanted to tell you about this amazing surgery", they entered the car. "Tell me", Dean muttered, but as soon as James started talking, he could feel himself fading out, just staring at the filled streets in front of him. Every now and then, Dean added a "Wow, that's so cool" or an "Amazing", but his thoughts were constantly centred upon a certain blue eyed male that didn't seem to be willing to leave his mind once. Dean had figured he was over Cas, of course, the flat he owned still reminded him of Cas, it was still the bed they had slept in, still the sofa that they bought for their first flat, but he had James. He had a boyfriend. He wasn't supposed to feel all of those things, he wasn't supposed to feel anything towards Cas other than anger, he didn't want to feel all of those things, didn't want to feel the love seemingly unbearable burning inside of him.

Dean dropped James off at his flat, eventually promising James that he could stay at Dean's place that weekend, after Charlie's party. As soon as he was alone, realization settled and he rested his head on the steering wheel as the waves of convalescence were washing over him. He breathed in deeply, everything was going to be okay. Or that's what he tried to convince himself of. In the end, he hadn't been able to fall asleep at night. He was tired, drained by pure exhaustion, but the sheets were too warm, the night too dark and the thoughts too loud. Around two in the morning, he decided to call someone, his first thought was Benny, but he didn't want to wake up the kids, nor Jackie, so he figured he'd give Charlie a chance. Yet, she didn't accept the call, probably already being asleep. He stared at the roof, thoughts wandering off as his phone rang, he expected it to be Charlie, that, maybe, she wasn't asleep, but just didn't hear her phone. To Dean's surprise, the caller ID read "Castiel", frowning at the display, he accepted the call after a few seconds. "Dean", a quiet voice answered. "Heyy", Dean whispered, just as quiet as Cas. "I can't sleep and you said I should call you", his voice trailed off, causing a small smile to search its way onto Dean's lips. "It's fine, I can't sleep, either." For a few seconds, neither of them spoke a word, merely listening to the other person's breathing. "Dean?" "Yea?" "Tell me something, please." "What do you want me to tell you?" "Tell me about your favourite memories, something that you enjoy talking about. I just- I want to hear your voice", he admitted shyly. "Okay," Dean continued softly, "Do you remember the day we started dating?" "Yea", he whispered. "I was so nervous, I really thought I would mess up and ruin our friendship, I even practised everything in front of my mirror. I stood there for hours, just talking to myself, in fear of saying something wrong or stuttering while confessing to you. My mum must have thought I was crazy. I remember you thought I was going to tell you I was going to move away or something, just because I was so serious," "I did", a soft chuckle escaped Cas' lips as Dean continued, "after all, I still can't believe you dated me after I messed everything up, even after I accidentally compared you to a dog- I still can't believe I was that incapable of talking. I would have punched or laughed at me, to be honest. I'm so glad you said yes, though. I don't know what I would have done if you had rejected me. I probably would have cried myself to sleep or something. God, I was so in love with you. I adored you, you know? Everything about you. Your smile when you're right about something, the way you always tilt your head, the way you were always willing to help everyone, care for everyone. I've loved you. God, I still do." Only then, Dean noticed that Cas' breathing had slowed down and that he had began snoring a little. Great, he thought, he confessed his love once again and Cas fell asleep. Dean shifted, cuddling himself up in his blanket as he placed the phone next to his head. He fell asleep listening to Cas' breathing that night.

Eventually, the week flew by and Dean and Cas grew closer, calling every night and falling asleep on the phone. Until, one night, Dean had asked Cas why he had left, why he had cancelled the therapy, he had been all quiet, his voice raspy as he continued. He told him that he loved him, that he always had, but that he had felt like he was drowing, like the city, Dean was suffocating him. He told him he hadn't been able to bear the weight that pressured his shoulders, that he had to get out and that April had promised to help him, that she had promised she'd help him forget, but she didn't, she never did, she had just pulled every bit of strength, every bit of happiness he had out of him, he didn't forgive Cas, he didn't forget, but Dean loved him, he always had. He hated how much power Cas already had over him again or, maybe, it had just never gone away. He had talked to Charlie, explaining that Cas was back, that he didn't know what he was supposed to do, that Cas was fighting something he wasn't going to beat. Dean had broke down crying as Charlie had pulled him into a hug. They had sat in Charlie's flat for hours and Dean had just cried until Charlie had started crying, too. She had never been able to handle other people crying, especially not her best friend. She knew that it would tear Dean apart, seeing Cas slowly fading away, even though they both had seen people die, it was their job, but this was Cas they were talking about, their Cas. The one they had been friends with since forever, whom had always been so supportive and loving.  
Tonight was the night of Charlie's gathering and as of right now, Dean was changing into more comfortable clothes as he didn't mean to arrive there in work clothes, smelling like sweat and death. Just as he was about to leave, grabbing his coat and pocket, someone rang the doorbell. Hastily, he made his way towards the door, since he was already running late. He tore the door open, expecting anyone but a seemingly uncomfortable Castiel. Cas had a suitcase in his right hand and his phone in the other hand,"Cas?" Dean furrowed his brows, surprised as to what the other man was doing in front of his flat. "Can I come in?" Dean had a look at the watch that adorned his wrist, debating whether he should tell Cas to come back later and drive or invite him inside. "Yea, sure", he decided to go with the second option, letting Cas enter the flat that was once theirs. "What's wrong?" Dean questioned, gesticulating towards the suitcase. "I-", Cas obstructed himself, "Can I- May I stay for a while?" Dean parted his lips, wanting to question why, deny since James wouldn't exactly be too fond of his ex living with Dean, but it was Cas he was talking about, his Cas. "I mean, I- Probably." He stated, still flabbergasted as to what was happening. "It's just. I don't- I don't want to die in my parents' house, I don't want them to see, they're my parents and I know they love me, which is why I don't want them to see their son like that. I just can't. I know, this is a lot, you don't have to say yes, but I don't know where else to go and this comes closest to the term "home"." Dean swallowed, Cas wanted to die here. He was going to experience Cas' death. "Okay", he muttered, not exactly knowing why he had agreed. "I'll just-" "Yea, just- just place your clothes inside of the wardrobe, it's still the same." "Thank you, Dean", he said, shooting Dean a small smile. "Just make yourself feel at home, you know where everything is, I didn't- I mostly didn't change anything." Cas wandered through the hallway, eyeing the pictures of Dean and James that they had hung up a while ago, they had went to different cities, once even to Europe. While they were in Europe, they had tried to "Bungee jump", it was the closest he ever got to dying. At least that's what he likes to say. Those few seconds were horrifying, the moments where you're falling, well knowing that you were going to survive, but it still felt like dying. Something that had described Dean's life after Cas had left- the feeling of dying, even though you were surviving. "Is he your boyfriend?" Cas quietly asked, examining one picture after another. "I guess," Dean replied, "We've been dating for a while now." "Do you love him?" Cas turned to face Dean, his blue eyes were searching for Dean's. "I-", Dean replied, all chocked up, "I guess." "I'm happy for you", there was something so genuine in those blue eyes that Dean wanted to cry. He liked James, he really did and he knew that he could love him, he knew that James deserved to be loved by him, but, if he were being honest, he would run back to Cas in a heartbeat, after everything he had done and that's not what James deserved, it wasn't what Dean deserved, either, but he loved Cas and for love, he was willing to give himself up. "I truly am happy for you", Cas got closer to Dean, now standing in front of the other man. "You deserve happiness", he leaned in closer. Dean could feel Cas' breath against his lips and his whole body burned with the desire to lean in and break the distance between them. Dean's eyes oscillated from Cas' eyes towards his lips every few seconds and he hated how much he wanted to kiss him in that exact moment. "I love you, Dean," he muttered under his breath, looking up through his lashes. Dean had to bite his lip to contain himself, stop himself from doing something he would regret later on. "But I'm not a home wrecker", Cas backed away, leaving Dean desperate, burning as he was lusting for Cas' lips. It was a two second decision. Cas licked his lip once and that was enough for Dean to take a big step forward, crashing their lips together. The so well know feeling over warmth washed over him as their lips were moving insync. They were so used to the motions, so used to the other person that it was self-evident that Dean's hands wandered to the back of Cas' neck. There was some innocence to the kiss that provided a feeling of warmth, home and purity, it was so slow, as if any higher tempo were ruining everything. It was so easy, as if they hadn't done anything, but kiss each other their entire life. "I love you", Dean whispered against Cas' lips. All of a sudden, something wet touched Dean's skin and as he opened his eyes to look at Cas, the other man was crying as tears were streaming down his cheeks. "Baby, what's wrong?", he asked, panicking as he wondered what he did wrong. "It's nothing, I- I just- I love you. I love you and I'm so sorry for leaving. I'll never leave again, I promise." Dean swallowed hard, well knowing that Cas wasn't going to be able to keep that promise. "Fuck, you're making me cry", a sad chuckle escaped his lips. "I'm sorry." Eventually, both of them ended up crying. For hours, they just laid on their sofa, legs tangled up and hidden beneath a blanket, sharing secret, due to their tears wetted, kisses. 

The next morning, Dean woke up to several missed calls, from Benny, Charlie, James and he even had one from Jackie. Fuck, he thought, he had completely forgotten about Charlie's BBQ. His eyes wandered from the display to Cas who was still asleep, cuddled up on their sofa. His brown hair was messy, falling in his face, he looked peaceful, yet much older than he actually was, dark circles were emerging under his eyes, implying that he hadn't slept a lot these past few days. Dean slowly got up, trying not to wake Cas as he called Benny back. He wandered through the kitchen as the phone rang. "Dean?", Benny sounded tired. "It's me. I'm so sorry, I completely forgot about yesterday", he quickly explained. "Uh, Dean. You shouldn't be apologising to me, James was the one who took off yesterday, he was quite pissed", Benny stated. "Damn it. Okay, thank you. I'll see you at work, right?" "Yes, we will. I'm just glad you're alright, honestly. We thought, you know, something might have happened to you." "Nono, I'm alright. Thanks." With a goodbye, they ended the call. While running his hands through his hair, Dean panicked. Okay, he had kissed Cas. Okay, maybe, he still loved him. God, what was he supposed to do? He couldn't just break things off with James now, could he? But it'd be fair, James didn't deserve to be hung up on someone whose heart belongs to someone else. He would have to tell him. Dean had made Cas breakfast, leaving it on the kitchen table for Cas to find. He had barely survived work, he had tried to focus on the patients, but every now and then, his thoughts wandered off. He had wondered how he was going to break it to James, how Cas felt at home. He thought about taking a few days off, so he could spend more time with Cas, since he didn't know how much time they had left. It was around six pm that Dean left the hospital and found James outside, finishing a cigarette, his back was turned to Dean, but he spun around as soon as Dean's voice cut through the air, "James?" "Dean," There was a glimpse of excitement and hope in James' eyes and all of a sudden, Dean felt incredibly guilty "Where were you yesterday? We missed you, we thought something happened..." He trailed off, gesticulating wildly as if he were nervous. "I'm sorry, I just forgot. Look, James, we have to talk", the smile James had put on a few seconds before fell. "Don't tell me you're breaking up with me-" His eyes widened. "Look, we should go some place else, some place more... private." "You're breaking up with me, oh god," instead of the sadness Dean expected, James started to laugh, "It's because of him, isn't it? I saw him a few days ago, somewhere in the city. I never even stood a chance against him, did I?" He had stopped laughing, a much more serious and pained expression danced in his piercing green eyes. "I'm sorry, James." Dean silently said, a guilty expression was displayed on his face. "It's okay, it's just, I really like you and I thought, maybe, maybe you could like me, too. I should be angry, I know, believe me, I am, or I was yesterday, but it's not like I expected something else, even after two years of dating. I knew before you kissed me for the first time, and it's okay." The guilt still never left Dean's face as he said something he thought was stupid and only ever said in movies, but he meant it, "I hope you're going to find someone who loves you, who deserves you more than I do. I wasn't being fair to you, I thought I didn't love him any more, but I just do and I can't change, even if I try." James shot him a small, sad smile, "I hope he makes you happy." "He does." 

He had gotten home about half an hour later, all of the lights were turned off and if Dean didn't know any better, he would've thought that he was the only one living in the flat. He tossed away his shoes and coat, making his way towards the living room where he presumed Cas to be. And he was right, Cas was laying on their sofa, cuddled up in the same position as this morning. He didn't want to wake Cas, so he decided to eat some leftovers as dinner, but as he entered the kitchen, he saw that the breakfast he had made for Cas was still resting on the table, untouched. For a second, he stared at the food, then in the direction of the living room. Hastily, he sprinted towards the living room and towards Cas, panic spread throughout his body as he called out "Cas?", all colour had drained from Dean's face as his hands started trembling, he couldn't- this- he couldn't lose Cas. Repeatedly, he grabbed Cas, calling out his name, but the man didn't respond. He then felt his pulse, only relaxing as he felt that it was still there, "Dean?" Cas whispered, slowly opening his eyes to face his lover. "What's wrong?" He muttered, blinking repeatedly. "It's nothing, baby. I just got back from work and saw that you hadn't eaten anything. Did you sleep the whole time?" His gaze softened and his voice sounded soothing to Cas who closed his eyes again. "I'm just so tired", he murmured hoarsely, "My head hurts", he whimpered and Dean flinched. "It's okay, go back to sleep, I'm here." Dean whispered, but Cas didn't hear him any more, since he had already fallen asleep again. 

If someone had asked Dean about the most painful thing he had ever experienced, he had probably said seeing the person you loved most in pain. Dean had decided to take a few days off, his boss didn't mind, since Dean had never asked for a holiday before and he understood how difficult all of this was. Cas' got worse everyday, complaining about terrible headaches, feeling as if someone tried pulling his insides out, not willing to eat and if he did, he couldn't keep it down. Luckily, stage four cancer also meant a lot of sleep, so Cas was mostly laying in bed all day, sleeping deeply, but if he ever got up, Dean had to help him with basic tasks, since his body shut down, making it harder for him to walk, causing them to buy a wheelchair that would take on the task of moving. They were also seeing a therapist that focused on Cas' physical abilities, since cancer took its toll on those. Sometimes, Charlie and Benny came over, but Cas was only able to talk for a few minutes until he fell asleep again or his anxiety overwhelmed him. For once in his life, Dean hated being a doctor, he hated how he knew that those symptoms meant that Cas was stepping closer to the verge of death, he hated how he was a fucking neurosurgeon, someone who specialised on the brain, but still wasn't able to help the one person he loved more than any one else. It made him feel weak, so incredibly weak and pathetic that, if Cas was asleep, he locked himself in the bathroom, slid down the door and just cried. It was just too much for him. The thought of Cas leaving. The horrific, heavy feeling of guilt, since he hadn't been able to help. Maybe, if Cas had stayed, he could've recognised it earlier, they would've found a treatment that would've actually helped. Would've. Could've. It was too late and it was tearing him apart, suffocating him. On the one hand, the thought burned him alive, the incredible pain that spread throughout his body only comparable to someone who was imprisoned in a burning building. On the other hand, it drowned him, he felt like he couldn't breathe, like he was gasping for air, but he only swallowed more water, more pain. The most painful was seeing Cas so devastated, so hurt and weak and full of hatred towards his own body. One night, Cas had wanted to walk, but had broken down, since his body had shut down as soon as he had stepped out of bed. He had screamed in agony, he had hated how his own body betrayed him and how pathetic he felt. Dean had just held him tight, whispering that it'd be okay over and over again, as if repeating the phrase were making it true. As of right now, they were cuddled up in a blanket, their legs were tangled and Cas' head rested on Dean's chest as they were watching some Netflix show neither of them cared about. "Dean?" Cas whispered, looking up at Dean. "Yes, love?" Their eyes met. "I love you." "I love you, too", Dean replied, confused as to where the sudden confession was coming from. "I know, you probably don't want to talk about this, but-" "What do you mean?" Dean interjected as Cas sat up straight. "If I die," he firmly grabbed Dean's hand, slowly stroking the back of his hand with his thumb, "I want you to live." Dean's lips parted, but before he could speak up, Cas continued, "I don't want you to do anything stupid. I want you to choose you over me. It might feel like the end of the world, it always does when you lose someone, but you'll live. You'll be happy again. You just have to breathe. It'll all be okay, I promise," Cas whispered, an unreadable expression displayed on his face as he continued, "I love you. I've always loved you, and I always will. I'm so sorry for the years we lost, time we could've spent together, things we could've experienced. I'm so sorry, Dean. I just- I want you to know that I'm not afraid. I've lived my life, I've had you. This sounds cheesy, I know, but you're it for me. Everything I always wanted. So, it's okay. It'll be okay." Tears were burning in Dean's eyes, and this time, he didn't suppress them, "I love you." "Promise me you'll be okay without me, Dean." A demanding expression adorned Cas' sharp and skinny features. "I promise", he lied. "I love you", stay, he wanted to say. "I love you, too" I don't want to leave you, he meant. Cas fell asleep in Dean's arms that night. Dean had held Cas closer than ever before thinking that, maybe, if he just held him close enough, he could make the pain go away. If he just believed, that he could make Cas stay. But he couldn't. Nothing could. 

The next morning was beautiful. The sunbeams were falling through the windows and onto Cas' skin. Dean hadn't been able to fall asleep last night, he was just so scared that, if he had closed his eyes, Cas would stop breathing. He examined Cas' face just as he opened his eyes, "Morning, handsome", a sleepy giggle escaped his lips. "Morning", Dean grinned widely. "I'm hungry", Cas stated. Dean's eyes widened in shock, the last few days, Cas hadn't eaten anything, not being able to keep it in. "You sure?" Excitement spread throughout his body and he let out a relieved breath as Cas nodded, which he hadn't noticed he had been holding. "What do you want?" He asked, way too excited. "Just a toast, I think", a small smile searched its way onto his lips as he saw Dean's wide smile. "All right, I'll get back to you." He shouldn't be so excited over a simple toast, but as he brought the plate with the toast back to Cas and he actually ate it, he felt happy, truly happy, for the first time in a long time. "Would you mind taking me outside today?" Cas questioned and Dean's eyes lit up even more, he actually wanted to go outside, not just lay in bed all day. "Of course, I'll just help you change and we can take a walk in the park, alright?" "Yea, that'd be great" A glimpse of another emotion that Dean couldn't pinpoint danced in Cas' blue eyes, but he didn't think about it twice. They would spend a great day together. One last, great day. Dean had helped Cas change into a different outfit, he had helped him pick out some stuff and as of right now, he was getting the wheelchair out of their bedroom that would help Cas, since he struggled to walk, so they had decided to get a wheelchair. Cas didn't want it at first, but had accepted the fact that his body slowly shut down and he wasn't going to be able to walk every day. Luckily, Dean had managed to get the, not that practical, wheelchair out of the dark bedroom. "Alright, Cas, we can go", he exclaimed as he entered the living room. Cas was sitting on the sofa, a picture of the both of them was resting in his hands, a wide smile was displayed on his face. "Cas?" The man didn't react. "Cas?" Dean called out again, this time, there was slight panic audible in his voice. He hastily made his way forward, "Nonononono" he muttered, grabbing Cas' arm to feel his pulse. "Don't you dare" he whispered, tears burning in his eyes as he didn't feel a pulse. Maybe, maybe he was wrong, this wasn't real. This wasn't real. He repeated. Not noticing that the tears had started streaming down his cheeks. "Cas, no." He touched the still warm skin, feeling his pulse once again. Cas was still warm. His skin was warm. He still looked like he had a few hours ago. He still smiled like he always had. The typical smile with his dimples. "I love you", Dean whispered over and over again. He couldn't. This couldn't. "Don't be dead." He screamed at the warm corpse in front of him. "Don't be fucking dead. Don't you fucking leave me. Not again, please. I can't. I can't breathe, please. Please." He begged over and over again, kneeling in front of the body. "I love you. Please, baby, just breathe for me." But Cas didn't breathe. No matter how many times he begged.

Dean didn't remember calling Benny. He didn't remember crying so hard that Benny thought he was going to die. He didn't remember Benny arriving at their place, pulling Dean into his arms as he guided him outside. He didn't remember them taking Cas' body away. The only thing he remembered was Cas' wide smile, engraved into his memories, forced to haunt him whenever he closed his eyes. 

The funeral was one of the worst Dean had ever witnessed, not because the pastor did a bad job, but because everyone was crying. Everyone came up to Dean and Cas' family, expressing how sorry they were and Dean listened, when all he wanted to do was die. He didn't feel like he was alive any more, he felt like a corpse wandering around, forced to live, because he had promised. Even though he didn't want to, even though he didn't feel like he could. His friends had been worried, scared that he was going to commit, and Dean thought about it, a lot. He had gotten close to it, he had bought a gun and as Charlie, whom he had moved in with, went out on a date, he had kneeled inside of her bathroom, gun pressed to his temple, ready to pull the trigger. He had been so close, so ready to ease the pain, but just as he was about to go through, his phone had rung. It was an unknown number and Dean had debated whether to answer or simply decline, yet, luckily, he did answer. It was Jordan's mum, he had given her his phone number just in case something was wrong with Jordan and they didn't want to have to pay the ambulance. Jordan had claimed he had suffered from chest pains and his mum didn't know what to do, so she had called Dean. Little did she know that a single call had saved his life. Since Dean was living with Charlie, he had sold the flat, everything that reminded him of Cas, because he couldn't breathe. Whenever he saw something that belonged to Cas, it all came back to him. The memories he tried to suppress, the pain that was his constant companion, never once leaving his side, suffocated him. He often visited Cas' grave when the pain was too much, he just keeled in front of it. Sometimes, he cried. Sometimes, he screamed, he hated how god had taken the one away from him whom he loved most, hated how he was alone, doomed to spend the rest of his life dealing with the chronic pain. "Always you" was engraved in the stone. It was Dean's idea, since he thought that it was an expression that fit Cas. He was always there. Whenever anyone needed a shoulder to cry on, it was always him who was there for others. When someone wanted to laugh, it was always Cas who managed. For Dean, it was always him, too. Cas has always been it for him. As of right now, he was placing some roses in front of the grave, red ones, they were Cas' favourite. "I love you, Cas", he whispered, aware of the fact that it was ridiculous how he talked to his dead husband, but it made him feel less alone, less dead. "It's always you."

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it. :)
> 
> Special thanks to my best friend who supported me throughout the whole process of writing this fanfiction- I love you.


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